Twins Update: 10 days old :)

Babies are 10 days old already!! Gestation wise they would have been 33w1d. They are doing so good.  Both are off of IV's and receiving strictly breastmilk through a tube in either their nose or mouth. Still breathing room air. Mason yesterday had an episode where his heartrate dropped causing his oxygen to go down so they put his little tube back on and was just giving him pressure. These things happen in the NICU and luckily they have great monitors to alert the nurses when that happens. Since early this morning he is doing good without it again. They are just so cute. Mommy is doing good. I am exclusively pumping which is a huge job in itself. I pump every 2-3 hours and need to learn that it is not going to increase every pumping. I am up to 2-3 oz total every 2-3 hours at 15-20 min intervals. If you have any secrets to increasing milk supply please  share!! I am doing really good, but that would be for one baby. I am just making it with two babies. We are running milk up there every day and night sometimes just so they have breast milk and not have to be given formula. Def feeling the pressure! lol. 

Now that they are 33 weekers we have continued kangaroo care, but we are also letting them explore the breast to see what they are capable of doing. Mason new what to do! lets just put it that way! We gave him the breast and he latched on two or three times and then got lazy. We are not expecting them at this age to breast feed. They usually will not even begin doing that until 34 weeks and at that point you have to let them learn it. However, i will say, he knows what they are for, just not really ready to do it yet.  Maddox opens his mouth and checks it out, but has not latched. We were shocked that either of them showed much interest. I hope they are breastfeeding champs because pumping is annoying...lol. I hate having to get all the parts, clean them, dry them, sterilize them. It will be so much easier when i can just attach them and that is that and hopefully, they will bring on more milk! 

They are still so tiny!! The nurses are starting to just hand them to me and let me tell you IT IS TERRIFYING! They can't hold their heads up and I feel like I am goign to snap one in half when i have to hold them and bring them into my body.  The doctor said she has sent premies home as early as 34, 35 weeks and I can't imagine these two little guys at home with me...ALONE!...WITH NO MONITORS...ALONE! LOL.  I know we will be fine and the doctors will not send a baby home unless they are absolutely positive they are ready, but holy heck it is scary! 

Other than that, my hormones are raging. I cry at commercials, I cry if Mike looks at me wrong, I cry when someone gives me a card, gift or asks about the babiese, I cried while pumping at the nicu bc i had no control over the tv and the SPCA commercial was playing and i had to LISTEN TO THE WHOLE COMMERCIAL because I couldnt change the channel!! I cried last night in bed bc i was so afraid i was going to get sick and not know i was sick and would pass it on to the boys and they would get really sick!!! ugh....this is all normal! it is... i looked it up :) lol.  

Anyways, that is the update!!!  Talk to you soon!

Shannon

Quick update!!

Both boys are now breathing room air and they have increased their feedings :) Also, both boys are sucking on paci's :)  just wanted to give a quick update!! They are doing so well <3 now we just need to fatten them up a bit!!

talk to you soon!

shannon walker

December 22, 2012 and today...

At 3:30am on December 22, 2012 I woke up in horrible back pain followed by the fear I was losing my twin boys. Less than six hours later my first two boys were born and within minutes they were gone.  I never in my dreams thought I would survive that day. This year has been nothing but trying to get the family we lost back. After a five months of treatments we were blessed again not only with twins but our twin boys again. We never intended on replacing Chase and Cayden, but the thought that we were given a second chance to do everything we had to do to bring them into this world alive and healthy was our mission.

After finding our new team of doctors and fighting weeks and weeks to get into the hospital we needed we were on our way. A lot of bumps along the way this past 8 months with modified rest, to strict hospital rest for 4 weeks and being told we want to get to 32 weeks in order to get passed the preemie hump and we did it!!  They need help, but they are doing soo good!!! 

Last night Mike and I decided to deliver some milk to the NICU at 11pm and why not spend midnight with our boys telling them about their brothers who not only changed our lives, but gave us them :)

Last night was another amazing night! Not only did I get to hold Maddox when he was breathing in room air, but the nurse told me to let him explore breast feeding.  Preemies don't start breast feeding until around 34 weeks, bc they don't develop the sucking motion, but they are encouraged to explore and taste what they can at this point. So, we tried it out and my little guy did his best and was interested, just unsure what to do with the breast...lol. It was the most amazing feeling to know I can be their for him and his brother in a way no one else can and to give them the best possible nutrients!  In good time, he will learn what those bumps are for, but for now he just wanted them as pillows...lol!

Mason, had time with Daddy yesterday and had the chance to do skin to skin without the machine and Mike let me know he was also ready to "explore," however, daddy let him know he will be having no luck in that dept and to wait for me! Lol  

Can't wait to see what is in store for us today. 

shannon and mike!

NICU Day 2 full day

So, today the boys both had ultrasounds done on their brains to see if they had any brain bleeds and we are happy to announce both tests came back NEGATIVE!! These tests are done routinely so there will be more to come throughout their stay. It is very common after birth for babies to lose weight so their new weights are Maddox 3pounds 5 oz and Mason 3 pounds 3 oz.  Very normal even though it sounds like a lot.  Maddox is on CPAP and Mason is a little behind him.  The next step above CPAP is breathing in regular air, so that is a big deal!!! Very exciting. Both boys are just so darn cute and tonight daddy got some skin to skin time with Maddox and Mommy got some time with Mason <3.  Mike had the opportunity to take Maddox's temp and change his diaper which was a fail...lol. Daddy needs a little more practice. He said Maddox was lookin at him like, "seriously, dad, you can't change a diaper!?" Wish i was there to see that! Mike was telling Maddox all about the things they are going to do when they get older...skiiing, riding bikes etc. So sweet <3

Those are the updates so far for today. Stay tuned!!!

Shannon and Mike

Our little Christmas miracles have arrived!!!

I don' t even know where to start!!  As you all know this has been such a long road and I still don't believe they are here.

We knew since my cervix was dwindling it was only a matter of time and we were really really trying to exceed 32 weeks, but I guess 31 weeks 5 days will have to do.  The middle of the night Wednesday morning the nurse kept coming in to check on me and I was barely able to sleep with my contractions. This was not new to me since I was contracting every day since 26 weeks. I did notice it hurt a little more than usual, but didn't really think too much of it.  So, around 8am or so Wednesday morning I noticed a leak and then a gush and was scrambling to find my nurse call button. Honestly, I can't imagine breaking my water any where else. It was sooo much water!! and that was just one baby. What if I was in  the car? bed? recliner? How do you clean that??  lol. 

The nurses came in and I was shaking. I was in shock. Even though  I was anticipating something happening soon, I was not expecting that much! The doctor wanted to wait a few hours because there are plenty of cases of women who break their water, but either don't contract or they are able to go days, weeks with a broken water. Mike and I were laughing to ourselves because we knew a cervix of less then 1 cm and non stop contractions it was only going to escalate from here. So, we waited a couple of hours and things got more intense so he checked me and I was indeed 2cm dilated and within the hour was in the OR.  Epidural was not bad at all, but the csection itself was  so weird. You feel everything just no pain. Very odd!!  After all said and done the babies were out and screaming and i cried. The sound of their little cries were what I was dying to hear. They showed life...they showed me we got another chance. Nothing more beautiful!

When in recovery I was offered a new treatment for pain that is relatively new. It was a pain blocker they inject into your stomach on each side. I didn't ask any questions and was thinking, "well, hell, I get lovenox, heparin in the stomach must be like that." Nope!!, it's a 13 inch needle they go in with a sonogram guiding the needle. It wasn't very painful, just uncomfortable, but let me tell you I didn't feel a pain at all until like 20 hours later. If I can remember correclty it is called the Teplock Shots? I am prob very off, but in my fuzzy state thats what i THINK it's called...lol. 

Seeing the babies were the most beautiful thing and scariest. I didn't know if I wanted to just burst into tears or scream in happiness that I had two beautiful boys in this world being taken care of. Ok, I am not going to lie, I cried. We saw Maddox first and i put my finger in to touch him and when i started to talk to him he started to wimper and cry and the fact that I couldn't pick him up to console him tore me up!! I felt so helpless :( We visited Mason after that and he was nice and calm with little wimpers here and there. All I can say is I am happy they will not remember this time in their lives.  

The other most amazing and beautiful moment was seeing Mike with his boys <3. This man blows me away! He has been down there more than me bc i was having some issues with dizziness earlier and had to make sure I was stable and not going to black out so he was down their like three times already.

when he takes me down he goes over all the machines and what everything means and completely updates me all the medical jargon. With the lack of sleep I have and emotions of seeing them I couldnt tell you what machine they are hooked up to or what does what, but he is very good at breakign it down so I can understand everything at this point...lol.  He has that purell in his hand and is a nazi when it comes to making sure I purell even after i touch my shirt, face, chair etc...lol. He is so funny!  He is such a good daddy already and seeing him talk and touch the boys melts my heart so much!! <3

I have been lucky to start pumping already even though my milk has not come in. However, i am able to get a few drops here and there and they encourage bringing those little drops down just so they can give them that little bit.  Hopefully, my milk comes in soon and we can get that liquid gold :)

Ok, I am done bragging about my beautiful new family and will get off now :)  I guess this blog will just keep continuing. We blogged through infertility, pregnancy, loss, pregnancy and now will continue their stay at the nicu and then maybe I will turn this into "raising twin boys" as they get older. 

Thank you again for all of your support <3

Shannon and Mike

Update...31w4d

This morning we met with our HR doctor and like we thought, the cervix is around a 1cm.  Not really sure what is going to happen, but just waiting at this point.  We go back on Friday.  At this point, the cervix is just dwindling down and I am curious to see what Friday is going to look like if we keep going down .5cm every 3-4 days.  Contractions all weekend were the most I have had and between 2-4 min for most of the weekend. I wish I could say they weren't painful, but they def were not pleasant.  Sleeping is AWFUL! I try to start out on my left side and then extreme hip pain forces me to roll over onto my back which is very painful. I am up most of the night and having to get out of this bed by myself is a balancing act on its own.

I am trying so hard to be patient, but it is getting really rough.  I am a strong person, but between the pain of contractions every day, pressure on my cervix, lack of sleep, losing my private room permenantly and these horrible rude roomates I am at my wits end. I would do anything to be able to ride the rest of this pregnancy out at home.  Doctor said if I hold out I can go home at 34 weeks. Which is 2 weeks in a room with who knows who. I know you all are probably rolling your eyes and thinking you can do this, but the lack of sleep and constant pain and annoyance of people really puts you over the edge. 

In just four days of being with a roomate I have had to deal with projectile vomiting from her this morning and her constant sniffles and sneezing. ( I swear if I get sick bc of this girl I am going to be so pissed off!!) Last night she was on the phone til 1:30 am and her guests didn't leave until an hour after visiting hours (which is better than the other night when they left at 11:30pm) Guests who curse non stop and have no respect for others when talking. These guests were talking about how fat and ugly the nurses are and the "F" word is just flying around. What ever happened to manners? Oh and the fact that I had Chaplin Gardner here. I was so imbarrassed.  I don't understand how people can just just be so rude. 

Oh and the update on the private room. Well, i was told that the room was needed for someone with an infection and of course I would be happy to give that room to someone who was sick.  However, the person who was supposed to go in there had surgery and it corrected itself and she was sent home....so Mike and I are sitting in this room looking at my empty room for 2 days realizing no one is in there. So, our doctor comes in and tells us he did what he could, but the director is keeping one private room available in the case someone needs isolation.  Ok, I get that but the nurses even told us that it doesn't happen very often. So, we arent sure why we can't just be placed in their til someone comes in that needs it. I was in there 2 weeks before someone needed it. There is anotherprivate room but the girl who has been here for ten weeks is in there and god bless her she deserves it a whole lot more than me. 

Our doctor agreed for patients who are long term and to make them very comfortable the private room should be used for them when there isn't an isolation patient. So, I will be in my double room with a rotation of possibly sickly people and some very rude for the next 2 weeks. 

Like I said, I prob sound so miserable and ungrateful for the care I am receiving, but i promise you the nurses are fantastic. I have not come across one rude nurse thank goodness. Just rude guests...

Sorry, this is not the most uplifting blog post, but I am doing my best trying to keep sane.  

On a good note, here is a pic of Maddox from today. Mason was not cooperating :)

31 Week update with the High Risk doctor

Good morning,

This morning we saw our High Risk doctor and it seems my cervix is dwindling down :(. Monday it was a 20 and today it is a 15.  Def not what we wanted, but I knew it was going to happen because I have been having contractions all week.  That being said, I go back on Monday morning and if my cervix is down to a 1 we will have to get the rescue steroid shot.  Once the cervix is gone you have nothing left and your water will break.  Even though we are pretty sure it is not going to help much at this point, I will be put in the position where my feet are above my head :(. If it buys me a couple days or weeks we will do what we got to do :). 

On another note, i keep thinking that these boys could possibly be born on or around the same day we lost Chase and Cayden last year. The boys were born on December 22, 2012. I keep thinking...we were blessed with twins and twin boys at that and we are looking at delivering possibly near the same day those beautiful boys were brought into this world and left too soon. 

Oh on another note!!!! the roomate i have right now and only for a few more hours if that, her guests are ghetto as hell and rude rude rude!! The "F" word flying out of their mouths like crazy...and talking about the nurses and how fat and ugly they are.  I don't think this girl is over 20 years old and It is making me sick listening to their uneducated disrespectful dirty mouths!!!!!

Anyways,

thanks for reading!!!

Shannon

Truckin along...

Good morning,

Since the last post we have had some changes in treatment. We saw our High Risk doctor on Monday morning after a weekend of very little contractions. We were given a lower dose of the Indomethacin on Friday and told to take it until 6am Monday morning.  Our appointment revealed that the amniotic fluid for baby A (Mason) was fine. Still on the lower side, but not bad.  However, the Indomethacin was not compatible with Mason's heart. With Indomethacin it puts off your uterine contractions,but if used too much or too long it could be harmful to the babies heart. Typically, the Arterial Ductus in the heart is a vessel that is supposed to close once the baby is born and if the medicine is not monitored correctly it could close while in utero causing loss of blood circulation to the heart. This medicine should be taken before 31-32 weeks of pregnancy and no longer than a couple of days at a time. Mason is fine, but they could see that if taken any longer you are getting to the point where something could happen, so they took me off completely and will not be put back on. 

My cervix also went down again and i have slight funneling in the cervix...very slight. This is where things just get very unpredictable. If the procardia medication works correctly, this will relax my contractions a little bit and can hold me off. However, contractions are contractions and will do what they are supposed to do. This is where bed rest and lots of IV fluids come in to major play. The High Risk doctor even discussed being put in a position where my legs are above my head to keep the pressure off of my cervix. We tried this last night for about an hour until I started having painful contractions and couldn't take being all the way back in that position. Luckily, the Procardia kicked in and took most of the pain and contractions away.  I was told to keep an eye out for leakage of fluid, gushing of fluid and that was pretty much it.  It is still a hope and pray at this point to just go as long as i can go. 

On another note, the damn IV situation still sucks. I am needing a new Iv pretty much every two days and it makes it very hard to find areas in my hands and arms that are not still sore or bruised up.  Since we are having such problems they have resorted to bringing in Anestesiologists to do the IV's (which they are not too thrilled to do!) For some reason the Anestesiologists think they are too good to have to be coming over to Antepartum to do a nurses job. Well, I made it quite clear that i wanted the best and if they are the best than they should be happy to do it when neccessary. Sigh! Iam the one getting poked and prodded so they should stop bitching...lol. 

Friday will be 31 weeks!!! If we can just get another week in it will just be a huge milestone!!!!! I have been strict with laying on my back because Maddox is lodged in my ribs. I now know what it feels like to have bruised ribs.  As of Monday the babies are weighing an estimated 3lbs 4 oz and 3lbs 5 oz :) They are getting so big!! 

Sorry for such a long and in depth post, but I just wanted to keep everyone updated! 

Thanks for reading!!

Shannon

I will never complain again...

As I am hitting the two week mark in the hospital I am getting very ancy. I stare at walls all day while being hooked up to IV's, given 2 shots a day of blood thinners and I have seemed to have blown every vein in my arms. I am better off than some women here in the Antepartum Dept.  There is a girl across the hall who I have not seen, but have been told has been here since this summer and is also pregnant around the same time as me with twins.  She cannot get up to go to the bathroom, cannot bathe herself, has to lay constantly in a position where her legs are higher than her head. I almost cried when I was told of her situation.

Things could always be worse. I am sitting here crying because I have been here for two weeks and hate needles. At least I can get up and shower when I want and use the bathroom and I can get up and stretch my legs. I feel terrible for this poor girl, but it seems she has made the decision that she is going to do what she has to do to get her babies here safely even if that means laying practically upside down, going to the bathroom in a bed pan where people have to clean you up and give you sponge baths in bed. 

I have so much to be grateful for right now. I will deal with my two shots a day and painful IV's everyday. I will deal with an uncomfortable bed and cords and wires attached.  I will deal with not being home with my husband and dogs. I will deal with the 8 channels I have on my little tv.  There is so many things in life that can be worse. I just keep reminding myself that in around six weeks I will have two beautiful lives that I will be able to take care of outside of a bed, without needles and cords and who cares about a comfortable bed because I will be getting very little sleep to even enjoy it.  

I thank God every day that he has blessed us with not only the chance for another set of twins, but twin boys.  I never would have dreamed I would have been given a second chance to do it all over again and successfully. I thank God for a husband that loves me more than life itself and never fails to show that to me or anyone else.  I thank God for his job that has given him the necessary time off to take care of things at home and running back and forth with me. I thank God for the wonderful spouses of Fort Wadsworth that are planning a meal train starting next week to help Mike out so he doesn't have to worry about cooking for himself. I thank God for the people in my life that are keeping us afloat with thoughts and prayers. You all truly have no idea how much it means to us. We have felt every single prayer and that is what is keeping us from falling.  

Everyone has a breaking point. I am very close, but until you open your eyes and realize things could always be worse, I will make it through.  I see that beautiful light at the end of the tunnel :)

Thanks again for checking in, 

Shannon

Updated Pics of the belly!

some of you have asked for a belly shot. Please don't mind the no makeup and messy bed.  The one photo is of my one arm and it didn't show up as bad on camera than it does in person but gives you an idea of my arm :(

they say these weeks i will prob get a lot bigger. I can't imagine getting bigger, but I know it is def possible!! I swear the one pic you can see a baby outline above the monitor...lol. 

New update...29w4d

Saw doctor Kofinas this morning and baby A (Mason's) fluid is half of what Maddox's is. It is not dangerously low, but low enough to have to be monitored.  Cervix is up from a 2.5 to a 2.8 so that is good. I was off IV for about 4 hours yesterday and my contractions went from sporadic to regular so that has to be constant.

Dr. Kofinas said it is best to stay til at least 32 weeks bc at that point brain bleeds are almost 0% statistically. So, if we really really want to go home it will be safe to do homecare after that point. Our OB was saying that 34 weeks is prob a better estimation bc you are looking at pratically full term or very close to it.  The thing is that after 32 weeks we can't be given anything to stop the labor. We will be working on Homecare for 32 weeks as long as everything else is good. This will require someone coming to the house a few times a day to monitor vitals and change out fluids etc...

I am going batty and miss my home, but I will do anything if it means keeping these babies in as long as possible. Mike and I have our countdown...32 weeks is December 20th so we could possibly be home for Christmas. If we have to go to 34 weeks than it will be between Jan 3-10th. Our goal is to have these babies and take them home and hopefully no NICU time. 

Every day is a day closer!! They are so active too :) I can sit here and watch my belly shift in certain areas and it is just amazing...They are so strong! Maddox has made my right rib his home an makes it very hard to sit up for long periods of time. mason is very low and has the hiccups quite often...lol.

 I think it is time to invest in those cute maternity gowns:)

Thanks for reading!!

Shannon

29 Week Update...

Hey everyone,

Today is 29 weeks!!! We are getting there, but def some bumps in the roads. As Mike mentioned in the last blog, we were put on an aggressive dose of Endomethecine. I completed that round this morning and saw my high risk doctor. The Ductus Arterius on both babies looked good after that round, but it seems the medicine caused Baby A (Mason's) amniotic fluid to become very very low. So, at this point, I will not be going back on that medication until at least Tuesday when they see me again and his fluid is built up again. 

I am now in a private room thank God!! Mom is here for the day which is great not only bc i love her company but bc she is keeping Mike from googling every possible thing that can go wrong. She even made to have the doctor reassure him that googling every possible outcome is not healthy! lol.  

Our main concern at this point, is that being off of this medication my body goes into labor. There is nothing at this point they can do to stop it if it does happen. 

We requested the NICU team to come talk to us so we will be prepared for what will happen if they are born today. Basically, they will be born...they will live. There are of course different scenarios that could happen, but you don't know that until the babies are born and evaluated.  

Thanksgiving was a hit! Mom and dad cooked at our house and then delivered us our food, we ate, and then they came with dessert. The boys were happy!! They were so active yesterday. I think we are going to have some good eaters on our hands. :)

Thank you for thinking of us!

Shannon and Mike

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues

Shannon could not update her blog so this is her husband Michael.  So...on Sunday evening Shannon has had a stomach bug but still little or no contractions.  Also on Monday we saw our high risk doctor who actually said that her cervix had not only stopped shortening but had also moved up to like a 2.5 (it was a 2.2).  So we thought FINALLY we are catching a break!  Well, Shannon's stomach bug worsened today and after we thought that was finally settling down, her contractions started back up and now they are a little painful.  So once again back to the high risk doctor.  Well her cervix went down in one day to a 2.1(but not dilated) and the contractions are continuing.

The high risk doc has now decided to put us back the Indomethacin (Indo) today instead of the weekend which is a little worrying.  Well on top of that he has doubled the dose to 50mg every 6 hours which is worrying us even more!  Indomethacin can be harmful to the babies if they are not monitored closely for amniotic fluid and also a major blood vessel for the babies, the ductus arterisous, could close prematurely (it closes on its own naturally when the baby is born) which could stop their hearts.  However, our high risk doctor has been doing this type of treatment for 14 years and he is confident in this decision.  The issue is that Shannon is carrying twins which makes getting together the right dose and course of action difficult because most of the research is for mothers carrying single babies not multiples.  At the worst it will delay labor for a few more day and at best it could stop it altogether.  So Shannon will be on this double dose on Indo until Friday morning in the hopes it will not interfere with the babies too much and stop her contractions.

This has been the worst roller coast ride.  Every time we think we have made progress in the right direction something else happens.  I have been on constant edge and I hate when the phone rings when I'm at home and not with her thinking something else has gone wrong. This next rounds of meds will really determine whether or not we can trick her body out of going into full on labor.  We hope you all will pray along with us that the babies will be safe and this will be successful.  As always thank you for you support.

Shannon & Mike

28 week update....Can't seem to catch a break

Hey all,

Well, it seems these little boys just want to come out!! Little do they know they have almost 8 more weeks to go since we are only 28 weeks.  The past 3 days we have been having steady, painless contractions and thought it would be wise to get checked out. After all the exams, tests and medications nothing seems to be stopping the contractions. We are currently at the hospital and under doctors orders there is nothing more they can give me except for admitting me until they either stop or the babies want to come out.  They did the steroid shots, Magnesium and I am on 150 mg of Procardia a day and Indamethocin every 6 hours every weekend. 

Mike is a wreck and believe it or not I am pretty calm and usually it is the other way around. He has been my rock and can't wait to see him with his little boys. He is going to be such a great daddy<3.

Anyways, I am rambling, so I will end this blog. Hopefully, things stay quiet and I am only here in the hospital for a day or so. 

If you get bored, email me, text me, tell me funny jokes I will be up for anything :)

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers <3

Shannon and Mike

Update to last weeks hospital stay

Hey there,

So, on a good note we are in our third trimester starting today, 27 weeks!  

On a not so good note, we met with our high risk doctor today and unfortunately my cervix has shortened quite a bit from last week. It is too late to do a cerclage so I was put on Procardia for the rest of my pregnancy and another medicine to keep my cervix from shortening and stop the contractions. 

I am on complete bed rest and only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and shower :(.  I am pretty surprised at how calm I am, but Mike is angry and def on edge.  In his mind he doesn't understand how we can go through all these doctors and have the best care and still have issues. I guess it's a man thing :) 

Just keep us in your prayers and pray these little guys stay in to cook a lot longer.  They are 2pounds 2 oz and 2 pounds 4 oz and have chunky cheeks :)

Thank you everyone!

Shannon and Mike

Asking for everyone's prayers

Last night around dinner time I went to the restroom and lost my mucus plug. We ran to L&D and after a pelvic exam I indeed lost my plug. Luckily enough I am having no contractions, cervix is still closed and no dilation. However, last time at 20 weeks this is how it started and two days later I went into active labor. I received a steroid shot ( which let me tell you may just be the worse injection ever, but so worth it) and a Rhogam shot and fluids. I will go in this morning to my HR doctor and there will be a discussion of a cerclage and I am definitely put on bed rest. I will have to go back tonight to receive the second steroid shot. Mike will be taking the next week off with me just to get into a new routine of "actual" bed rest and may have to show him pinterest! lol.

Am I in a panic, yes. However, with being 26 weeks I was able to get the steroid shots and with quick intervention my babies will be given the best chance and care.

Oh, BTW, we are letting everyone know the babies are indeed BOYS!! It is official :)


TIA for all the prayers and thoughts. I can't tell you how much they mean to Mike and I. 

Shan

22 weeks pregnant!!

Hey everyone! Just wanted to come on here and say we made it 2 weeks further!

Also, I thought I would document my lovely Lovenox bruises.  I do not have one stretch mark, but these def make up for that!  Luckily, these bruises are covered under clothing or the police would be questioning our marriage...lol. 

Talk to you all soon!

Shannon

Update: Things are looking better!

I just wanted to give everyone an update to Friday's run to L&D. This morning I went into my high risk doctor to just get a more in depth check.  I know L&D checked everything, but if you know my HR doctor they go way more in depth than any machine in L&D. So, luckily, my cervix is still really long and closed. No cervical changes which is a great thing!

I mentioned that I had an upset stomach all day the day we went into the hospital and my tech said it could have easily had been something I ate that caused my irritable uterus. I mentioned Subway the day before and she asked in her russian accent, "why you eat subway? Who told you you could eat cold cuts?" I just looked at her and replied, "It was heated up!" lol.  She informed me that subway does not heat up their meat high enough to kill any bacteria and the fact that it is sitting out all day is basically just asking to get an upset GI tract. Which could easily cause issues.  So, no more subway for me and basically no more eating out unless I know for sure everything is prepared correctly!

Long story short, with twins I am going to have braxton hicks/irritable uterus.  My uterus is stretching at a much faster rate and it is just going to happen. If my cervix starts to change is when we need to worry. If my cervix starts to change and I begin to have contractions no bag of fluid or bed rest will save us.  So, we are praying to God and asking everyone who is praying for us to just ask God to keep my cervix closed, shut and long! 

Thanks for your prayers!!! I really appreciate it. Love you all!!

Shannon

Really trying to not have a "woe me" moment :(

Last night was the second time in two weeks we had to go to L&D for contractions. The first time was easy peasy. I walked in, they hooked me up and "looks like your dehydrated, so we will fill ya up." After that contractions were gone and  I was sent on my way. This time, I woke up yesterday morning after feeling fantastic for two weeks after the last hospital visit, not feeling right. I waited out the day because I figured you are going to have yucky days here and there in pregnancy. Mike got home from work and I was still in bed "just not feeling right." No appetite, upset stomach all day, 100 0z of water and tightness in the stomach and back pain that came and went. So, we called the doc and to be on the safe side he sent us back to the hospital.

We arrived and was hooked up again to the contractions monitor and it was showing contractions so they decided to go ahead and start another IV for more fluids. Well, jees, I already downed 100 oz that day, how the hell am I dehydrated? Nurse blew my vein and that in itself was horrific and luckily the other hand had better luck. Doctor checked my cervix and it is still nice, closed and long. Checked the babies and they are active. One liter down and still contractions. So, they do another and another. By 4 am I had 100 oz of water and 3 liters of IV fluid and still having minor contractions. I asked the nurse why this happens, and of course she mentioned dehydration and UTI which I obviously was not dehydrated and all my tests came back clear for any infections. So, what else?  She responded with twins. Sometimes your uterus can become irritable because of the fact you have twins in there. I made sure to hit her with questions like, "well, do you see this happen a lot? Women coming in here in my situation at 21 weeks with the same thing and go on to have full term twin pregnancies and she reassured me yes."  However, when you have my history you automatically go to the thought of, "this is it! I made it only a week or so passed the boys loss and i am going to suffer another loss." I am trying so so hard to not let my mind go down that path. She told me to keep my feet up, drink tons of water and to come back if there is anything worse than what I am feeling or even if I just want more reassurance. 

How do I go home knowing I am having contractions every couple of minutes and have to decide which ones I think might be worth going into the hospital for. The good and bad is the contractions are minimal and brief but still there. Obviously, if they get longer and more intense I will go. It is just the fact that it is happening this early. If God forbid something did happen right now what will they do?  Will they try to give me something to stop the contractions or at least delay them? Mike and I need to talk with our OB to find out what his plan of action is in the case we start having strong contractions leading into labor. The only good thing right now is that nothing else is happening. Please Lord is all I can say right now. I am begging anyone who will listen to me to just let me bring my babies home. I kept telling Mike I have been strong, but I don't know how much stronger I can be if something happens to these babies.  

Sorry to be a a spaz in this blog, but these are my feelings and I am doing my best to just stay positive and strong, but with that comes a lot of uncertainty. Please keep us in your prayers. If you have pray warriors please spread the word for them to pray for us. If not, please just think of us often. 

Shannon

This week is the week...

This week is a love/hate week.  I  am so excited that we are a little more than half way through a twin pregnancy, but this is the week I lost the boys last pregnancy. I am trying to remember the days leading up to the delivery.  I remember being very uncomfortable and baby A was in my pelvis causing pain when I walk and just didn't feel right. This time around, this week, I am feeling fantastic. I feel like the babies have moved up and this is what pregnancy should feel like. I am able to walk, stand etc without being in pain. This has only happened within the last week. Hoping it sticks around :) I am sure drinking a gallon a day has helped too.

Of course I can't help but feel fear though. Mike and I have been looking at mini vans and the reason we are hesitating is because we don't want to make a purchase too soon God forbid something happens. I remember last November, not quite 20 weeks, we were sitting at a dealership hearing all the good end of year incentives and almost making the decision to purchase.  I, usually the impulsive one, normally wouldn't have thought twice getting the van that day, but for some reason I told Mike we needed to wait incase something were to happen. I swear, something told me to wait. So, this time around is no different. However, in order to get the best deals we may have to make the purchase in the next month. I guess it is just the roll of the dice this time :/ .  

LOL, and remember last post how I mentioned I wasn't gaining any weight, well we are on our way. I gained four pounds in the last 2 weeks making it a total of 12 pounds which is not bad at all for 5 months and twins. Mike is def enjoying seeing my belly grow and has no problem showing a protein shake down my throat when he thinks I need the extra calories.  He made the comment a week ago, "I love seeing you get big." I didn't know whether to hit him or hug him. Either way he loves me and we both just want these babies to thrive so whatever it takes :) 

Thank you all for reading. If you pray please keep us in your prayers and if not, just think of us and hope for the best. 20 weeks!! whoo hoo :)

Here is the latest pic.  

Shannon

I feel like my anxiety is fading...yay!!

I am happy to announce that my anxiety has faded quite a bit. I am still a nervous wreck everyday, but it's not to the point where I am panicking. Both my high risk and my ob have agreed to see me weekly and I am feeling very reassured that things are good. We went to the high risk doctor on Tuesday to see if I needed to do the cerclage and happy to announce I do not need one as of yet. The sonogram showed no blood flow to the area they were concerned about so right now we are good. I am still advised to take it very easy, no lifting, no intimacy and not to over exert myself. I do believe the reason things have been so low key is because I have been keeping my feet up and keeping all walking to a bare minimum. I find that when I do walk for more than 15 min I do feel a lot of pressure in my lower abdomen and that is my cue to rest.

 I am reading my multiples book and according to my BMI and having twins I should have gained 15 pounds by now but for some reason I can't gain!!! The only time in my life I can't gain weight when I need to. I am only up 6-7 pounds and almost 5 months. According to this book in order to keep the babies a good weight if born premature is to put on a healthy weight now. Well, of course my dilemma is I can't gain weight! Go figure!

I also saw a plastic surgeon for the basal cell carcinoma I have on my shoulder and the plastic surgeon advised that I should wait until after the babies are born to remove it. However, my dermatologist feels that I should have this done before hand, but one thing at a time! If things start to look a little better in the next month or so maybe I can squeeze in a quick outpatient surgery to have it completely removed. If not, I promise I will make time to have it done after the twins.

For those of you who did not know Mike auditioned for the show Million Second Quiz and made it on live tv last night! I was so proud. Even though I think the questions he got were not even educated questions. He still did good :) He is still a winner in my book!

I started a blanket, finished half a word search book, starting a new book, beat several levels of candy crush. I am doing good! :)

Thanks for reading!!

Shannon

In the life of one on "rest"

Bed rest chronicles Day 2

Well, it has been two days on rest. I will admit it I do get up to empty the dishwasher, shower, vacuum, tiny bit of cooking but then it is right back to the recliner. I have been told to drink a gallon of water a day and let me just tell you that it is very hard to maintain rest when you have to pee every 15 min.  The puggles don't seem to mind I am on bed rest. I think in their little puggle brains it reassures them that it is indeed ok to sleep 18 out of the 24 hour day and not feel guilty. 

One thing that is very hard to deal with is my attention span is that of a fruit fly and finding ways to keep busy is hard. I try to break up my day how I used to do it at work. I break up the day into hours. Wake up at 8am and from 8-9 eat breakfast, browse FB, check email, watch the today show. 9am-10am maybe some candy crush until it tells me that I have to wait another 15 min before I can make another attempt at completing the level which, if you play, know how torturous that is!  Browse Pinterest to see what is "hip" these days and pin hundreds of recipes I will probably never make. Realize that Pinterest made me hungry and grab a snack on the way back from my third potty break since I woke up. 

At 10am I try to watch Hoda and Kathy Lee but start to realize my brain cells are diminishing from the pointless crap they mention on their show. 11am I watch the view which hurts my brain even more because it is nothing but five women talking at the same time and trying to get their opinions out before the next commercial, so I am prob attempting another shot at Candy Crush.

Noon I start to scavenge for lunch. Sandwich, leftovers, cereal this could be a very hard decision for the day. Lately it has been turkey and cheese on a Kaiser roll with kettle cooked potato chips IN the sandwich and a nice glass of milk. Back to the recliner...look out the window...see that the news has taken over and one can only take so much torture in the world so I scan the channel for some other program that probably has some rich person complaining of the problems in their life. I do believe yesterday I fought the temptation but put on the Kardashians and it was the episode of wanting to cook the placenta and feed it to the family members as a surprise and I quickly learned that my poor children will never have good old fashioned TV sitcoms the way we did growing up and that in itself, is a very sad sad concept to grasp.  

I find that from 1-3pm is the hardest. I have hit my limit of sitting in the recliner and peeing every 15 min so I attempt to crochet my blanket. I can't even tell you how many times I get going and get about 1/4 through it and realize I messed up somewhere and have to start from the beginning!! This is almost as frustrating as candy crush! :)

Mike comes home and I am sure I stare at him like a dog that just seen his owner after being left home in a crate all day. I begin to interrogate him about his day and want to know everything that happened, what was discussed at work, what he did at work, where he ate lunch at work etc... I am dying for conversation. Not that I REALLY care what he does at work, I mean I do, but you get what I am saying. You can tell the poor guy just wants to get changed, sit on the couch, catch up on shows he has missed and prob not talk to anyone until after dinner but I am an attention whore and I now understand why when we walk in the door the puggles will dance around, bring us their toys, sit right in front of us and stare at us uncomfortably until we cave in from guilt and roll around on the floor with them for a few minutes. I GET IT!!

So, folks, this is rest. I will embrace it and enjoy it. I will learn to make it work as long as it means my babies are doing well! Please do not fault me for writing pointless blogs every few days as it will help my boredom and most importantly sanity :)  As for the picture below, I am pretty sure if you saw me right now I would closely resemble this kitty. Hair has air dried into a frizz mess :)

Shannon!

Lord give us strength....PLEASE!

 Hey there,

I am not going to lie when I say I have been on pins and needles for almost 17 weeks now. I knew jumping back into fertility and possibly getting pregnant again with twins would be very nerve wracking. In my mind, you just think, "don't worry what happened happened and you are in good hands now and the doctors know what they are doing." I am so thankful I have the doctors that I do now because I am about 100% sure nobody else could successfully get my babies here safely like Dr. Kofinas can.

I am asking for strength because today at our 16 week appt the nurse saw a polyp. The nurse phoned in our high risk doctor who was at the other location today and he was able to pull up our scan and observe everything. He asked if I had experienced any bleeding and luckily I have had no prior bleeding and that is a good thing. Usually, women don't find out they have a polyp until they start spotting. This is not a life threatening thing, but if this grows bigger it could trick the cervix into thinking something is happening resulting in preterm labor. I am to go back next week unless I experience bleeding and other symptoms and Dr. Kofinas himself will take another look. As a precautionary he may want to put in a cerclage so that the cervix doesn't open.

The nurse asked if I am currently working and luckily we had decided with this pregnancy the best thing to do would be to stay home and take it easy. In these situations they tell anyone who is working to go on disability and stay on bed rest. So, I am on modified bed rest until next week when we go back and if the cerclage is necessary it will be possible I will be on bed rest til the babies come.

Well, this wouldn't be a complete visit if I didn't start crying in the office so I did. The nurses reassured me that we are in the best hands and everything will be fine. I know that is what they are supposed to say, but all I keep thinking was the possibility of giving birth and having to watch two more babies die within arms reach again. Sorry, that was a morbid description, but that is what we had to do and I refuse to go through that again.  I ask God if he could just give me strength, patience and a more positive outlook that would be great. I haven't even googled yet what goes into getting a cerclage and I am possibly thinking of keeping it that way. Just the thought of them stitching my cervix scares the hell out of me. What happens if I tear through it? Can they put you to sleep when you are pregnant in order to put it in? ugh.  I know it will be the best thing for us, but it just sounds so painful! 

On a positive note, the babies were looking great and they are just so adorable. They are measuring 6oz each and very active.

So, again, please if you pray keep us in your prayers and if you don't just think about us and wish us the best!

Thank you all again for making it this far with us <3

Shannon and Mike

14w4d and some updates...

Hey everyone!

It has been a little while since the last update, but I figure no news is good news, right? So, in the last couple of weeks we finally decided to switch insurances and now see a doctor that is affiliated with Methodist Hospital and works with our High Risk doctor.

We found out today at our 14 week appointment that I will be having a c-section no later than 38 weeks so hopefully I will make it close to that.   Also, I have placenta previa which I have had the whole pregnancy, but they were just reminding me to take it easy and to possibly expect some bleeding if I do too much. So, I will be taking it upon myself to take it even more easy than I have already been :). Let's just say I am getting very bored and need some new hobbies.  You can read about placenta previa here

I am still struggling on how to deal with my emotions and keep in a good place. I feel like it is deja vu all over again with the boys and trying to just stay in a good place. The nurse laughed today because the babies heart rates and weight were exactly the same and she said you don't normally see that. Well, mike and I laughed to ourselves because the boys heart rates were always the same and when they were born they weighed the same amount. Ironic, huh?

So, please continue to keep us in your prayers as we reach each week with these little beans and if you have any creative hobbies I can do from my recliner I would love new ideas :) Any books, websites, puzzles etc..

Thanks for reading!!

Shannon

It's official....I am going crazy...

If you know me well you know that I am a worrier by nature. Everything gets me nervous and I will dwell on something until I go insane.

I am not sure what is worse right now, the pregnancy symptoms that I am having or the sheer paranoia that something is wrong. I have been told countless times that the constant sickness I am feeling is a positive thing and is proof things are progressing well. BUT, the other part of me is every "twinge," "gas bubble", "dull ache" sensation in my stomach has me running to the bathroom 20 times a day not to pee but to see if something bad is happening. This is exhausting. I am up right now at 2:00am because of little gas bubbles in my belly and extreme hunger pains. I am not hungry! My appetite has been non existent and forcing myself to eat has become the norm. I am so happy to be pregnant, but I can't shake this constant concern that something is going to happen. At this point, this pregnancy is going to be the longest 6 months and 2 weeks of my life!!

Our insurance issue has been a nightmare and after weeks of fighting to try and get the doctors that we want  I have since decided to go back to my old OB who delivered my boys and who did all that he could, but now I am back at the hospital I hate.  I talked with my OB and had to make sure that he is ok working with my high risk doctor and they (or he rather) will be on the same page when it comes to certain things that may have to happen in this pregnancy.  I need to keep positive that what happened is going to be prevented and that we are 100% sure we know what happened last time. But, I still have that fear that 20 weeks is going to come along and I am going to be going through the same thing. I am at the doctors about every other week and I just want confirmation everyday that their little hearts are still flickering along on that screen.

I need to start doing some meditation or some breathing exercises to calm my mind. I lay in bed with scenarios in my head and have to remember to pray to god and breathe. Everything is out of my control. I need to be a safe haven for these babies and keep my head in a good place. I just wish it was easier said than done. 

8w4d Appt Today

Hey there,

We are currently 8weeks 4 days along and everything is progressing normally. Since last time I blogged I have been prescribed a few new meds and found out that I am anemic and vitamin D deficient. My daily regimen of meds is Lovenox, Metformin 2x, Metenx, Iron supplements 2x, Vitamin D and Prenatals. I have to say I am not a pill person so this has been tough trying to remember to take numerous pills at different times throughout the day. The shots have definitely gotten better. The burning is not as bad and the bruising is almost non existent...thank goodness. The nurse today did mention the possibility of a cerclage in the future as a precautionary and that scares the crap out of me. It is not set in stone as of yet, but  if I am going to have one, this is the doctor to do it. So, praying we don't need one. I can deal with one less thing to have to worry about.

 This pregnancy so far has been so different from my last. Maybe I am having girls, lol. I have a very low appetite and I am not able to keep much down. I would describe it as a constant hangover everyday.  Hopefully, the second trimester will be better :)

At our appt today they saw I have a small blood clot which was the reason for a little bit of spotting last week, but nothing to worry about. I am RH- http://www.justmommies.com/articles/rh_negative.shtml so I will have to go back tomorrow to get the shot that will prevent my blood and the babies blood from mixing. On a good note, they were squirming all around in there. They are directly side by side and the heartbeats were around 171bpm :)

We finally found an OB that will take our insurance and delivers at Methodist hospital. We have been trying to find an ob that does both for almost 4 weeks now. We have been told numerous times to contact our local congressman because it is a total outrage how many doctors in this area do not take the military insurance. We just found out that our fertility doctor will no longer be taking our military insurance as well and we were his last patients with Tricare :( 

Thanks for checking in :)

Shannon

I think God is really trying to tell us something...

Today was our first ultrasound and nervous didn't even describe how I felt. I woke up in the middle of the night in a hot sweat and my blood pressure was 140/60. The doctor was running late and I swear every min felt like another hour going by. The doctor came in and he showed us one little heartbeat :). Moved the ultrasound wand over a smidge and there was another strong little heart beat. I want to lie and say how happy I am, but with my history and the boys I cried like a knocked up teenager seeing a positive on a pee stick...lol. I want to be pregnant and I am so happy, but I can't help but fear what happened last time.

The doctor reminded us to not share with the world because there is a 1/3 chance that one twin will vanish and there will only be one baby next time. I laughed when he said not to share with the world, because I am pretty sure there is not one person in this world that doesn't know our story. What the hell, I have come this far I need to keep you all in the loop and I need all those extra prayers from you all.

I called my mom in tears and her excitement was just what I needed. She gave me a huge, "That is so exciting!!!" followed by "STOP CRYING!" lol. It's amazing how at 28 years old my mom can still grind her teeth in a threatening way and I swallow my tears like I did when I was 5 years old.

I am excited. I want my twins more than anything. We prepared for them last time and it would only feel right to bring twins home. All I ask is when you say your daily prayers you think of us and that we make it til Christmas. 32 weeks is the magic number.

Thank you again for reading :P

Mike and Shannon

First doctor appt :)

Hey everyone,

So, Monday we repeated the blood work and my levels rose just as I expected. We went from a beta level of 222 on 14dpo to a 1328 on 18dpo. Everything looked good! The new high risk doctor's office called and told us to come on in today. However, I was not sure why we would be going in. I know you don't even see a gestational sac on the screen until after 5 weeks and a heartbeat around 6 weeks. We took a chance and there was one gestational sac. They were also checking to make sure everything else looked good and wanted to discuss more medication for my diagnosis. The nurse was actually surprised to see anything.I did ask if there was anymore sacs and she repeated that she was surprised to see even one so there is def a chance that by week 6 there could be another one floating around in there.

The doctor came in and went over our situation reminding us that since my mom and dad both passed down the MTHFR genetic abnormality (believe me, I made sure to call them and let them know I am very upset :)  I will be taking Metformin and Metenx along with the Lovenox injections. Since I carry the gene from both sides my body does not break down any folic acid so that is where the Metenx comes in to play. Metformin is a diabetes medicine sometimes used for lowering insulin and blood sugar levels in women with PCOS. This helps regulate menstrual cycles, start ovulation, and lowers the risk of miscarriage. HOPEFULLY, with all these drugs and high monitoring we will be fine.

Mike and I left the office feeling as if I need a personal assistant. Appointments every week between the OB and high risk doctor until we have a baby, 1 injection a day, 2 pills a day, 1 twice a day and my prenatal. This is going to be tough. Oh and the doctor asked if we are having any issues with the lovenox injection and we have noticed that with these injections it takes a bit more force to get the needle through my skin and I am bruising like crazy. He said the generic brand Lovenox needles are more dull than the brand name and this is a huge complaint. Well, thank you tricare for not approving the brand name and sticking me with dull needles for 35 weeks :).

I am not complaining. I am more than happy to do whatever it is I need to do to sustain this pregnancy :). I thought I would keep you all in the loop and our next appt with the fertility doctor is next friday and that will be the ultrasound to see some heartbeats. We are very excited. Thank you all for keeping up with us!!!

Taking a risk :)

I am taking a little bit of a risk here today, but I have made the choice when I started this blog to be true and honest with our treatments and tests. With that being said, we received a positive blood test yesterday afternoon.

Most people wouldn't even dare come public with this news so early (4 weeks) but, like I said before, I made this choice to go public with our journey and why stop now. I wish I could say we are jumping for joy and planning our future, but we know all too well that doing too much right now may not be the best thing. Our plan is to take it day by day and live in the moment.

I knew something was up this last week, because possessed by demons may not even come close to how my husband would describe me. I was snappy, exhausted, crying on a whim, heartburn like crazy and just plain crazy mean. The doctor called to let us know the good news and I right away asked for my Beta number. This number to me is very important because the higher the number on 14 dpo (days post ovulation) could give me an idea if we may be carrying multiples again. The nurse told us it was a 222 and my heart just dropped. This was slightly higher than the boys beta number last time. By slightly I mean a difference of 14. This does not mean I am having multiples. Depending on when implantation occured during the 2weeks after the IUI it could  be higher or lower. So for instance if implantation started earlier it would be higher if implantation was later it would be a lower. Does that make sense?? Ok, good :) For those who are curious: http://www.betabase.info/

Our next step is to go back on Monday and have more blood drawn to see if this Beta number is rising. Beta numbers should double every few days. If I go back on Monday and the number is the same, lower or slightly higher there may be an issue. You want this number to be significantly higher. Once the number has doubled we will then plan our first ultrasound which would be 2 weeks later. At that time we will hope to see a heartbeat :).  We have also decided to not get too excited until we see a heartbeat. Until than I am only slightly pregnant :).

I called my new high risk doctor and after receiving confirmation that we are indeed slightly :) pregnant I will go in today to learn how to do the Lovenox injections. This will be a shot in the stomach every day up until I believe 35 weeks. If you have read my blog prior the Lovenox injections are because I tested positive for Thrombophilia/MTHFR genetic mutation. I am definitely more relaxed to know that early intervention and strong monitoring is key in our situation. If all goes well we are looking at a Valentines Day baby :).

If we are lucky I will not have to write about our infertility journey and dealing with loss anymore, but the months ahead and how we are doing. Thank you all again for your dedication to us and your constant prayers. We greatly appreciate everything and will welcome continued thoughts and prayers!

Shannon and Mike
 

Do you have good etiquette? Do you have good infertility etiquette?

I just want to start out by saying I am completely guilty of not having infertility etiquette before we knew we had problems getting pregnant. I would not have thought twice about asking a couple married for a few years if they were planning on having children or asking a newlywed couple when they were going to start trying. Most people are not trying to be hurtful. Most people want to tell you something that they think will make you feel better and we, the infertility world, appreciate those that really do try to help us. However, there are the ones that just don't know any better and may not even know that women suffer from infertility and this is ok. Like I said, I am completely guilty! I feel my job since I have decided to be so open is to also give advice about infertility and educate those who are not aware of what infertility can bring.


This is where infertility etiquette becomes helpful. Here are some 10 do's and don'ts of infertility etiquette :)


10. Don’t Tell Them to Relax-  Ok, this is probably the one we hear the most. It sounds right and makes sense, however, for someone who is struggling with years of infertility we are pretty sure it is not because we are not relaxed.

9. Don’t Minimize the Problem- People have made the comment to me, "well, at least you get to get to do things like travel and take vacations." Really? That does not make me feel better, because going to disney world was fun and all, but I am pretty sure I would rather do those things with my children. Or, "well, just think you get time to yourself whenever you want." Really? this does not make us feel better. 

8. Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen- Sure, I could be killed, I could be kidnapped and tortured, but, to me, at this very moment in life, this is the worse thing that could happen. I can't make a baby with my husband without drugs.  I can't do what I was put on this earth to do. That to me is the worse thing.

7. Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents- If you say this you should just be punched in the throat...lol.

6. Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF- IVF is not for everyone. Not everyone has to go right to IVF depending on their diagnosis. It is a very expensive procedure and unless you are willing to help pay for this 15,000-20,000 dollar procedure don't expect it to be on everyone's checklist.

5. Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy- I understand pregnancy is hard, uncomfortable and can be miserable at times. Just be mindful of who you say this to. Remember, there are people out there that are dying to throw up all day and pee on themselves when they laugh :).

4. Don’t Gossip About Their Infertility- This should be a no brainer!

3. Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)- Adoption is a great thing, but, again, VERY expensive. More expensive than IVF. A lot goes into adoption too. Home studies, evaluations, and a lot of uncertainties. It is very hard for some people to come to terms with never having a child of their own and usually someone's last resort after many years of trying.

2. Let Them Know That You Care- All we want you to say is "I am hear to listen." Ask us questions. We are not expecting anyone to have any words. There aren't any words. If you are religious, pray for us. If you are not, tell us you are thinking of us. You don't need to say anything more. It is very hard for some of us to come out and even talk to our people about it. Infertility is something that we are ashamed of. We can't do what every woman in the world can do. We can't do what a lot of mother's take advantage of. That 3 am wake up call that you dread, we envy. That explosive diaper that you are gagging through changing, we dream of. Watching your husband hold his baby for the first time and never knowing you could love something so much, we would die for.

1. Remember Them on Mother’s Day- Just reach out to someone and say you are thinking of them. That is all.

For those of you who know me know I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty. This is simply for awareness purposes. Just remember next time you talk to someone keep in mind they may be going through something that you may not be aware of. If you don't know what to say ask questions. We want to educate you and we want you to understand what happens in the infertility world.

Thank you for reading :)

Shannon W.

Starting my injections

And here we go...again. I would love to say I am excited to be starting the injections, but sadly I am not. We have done injections three times so far and I have conceived two out of the three times. I know this definitely may work which is great, but I also know how well they work. I am praying to God every day, a few times a day, that we are lucky enough to get just ONE baby this time. As much as I would love twins again I am beyond terrified.
So, as you all can see we did not conceive last month with no drugs. I am really sad because I ovulated on my own which is a really huge deal. Last week (Thur) we drove up to my parents house and low and behold "aunt flo" showed up early. Damn bitch never comes on time let alone early, and of course she came when I was 2 hours away from my fertility doctor. So, I call my BFF Katie at our doctors office and she let me know I needed to have blood work done the next day and an ultrasound on Monday. By the time I called my doctor I had 15 min to find a blood center in PA (before they close and the blood center closed), get my blood work done the following day and then sent right away to the doctors so they can rule out pregnancy (for those who don't know 30% of women bleed through the first trimester so it's protocol to have to rule it out even if you think you had your period).

Monday came around and the ultrasound and blood work showed that I was indeed not pregnant and I was told that we are in the clear to start injections. As you can see in the pic below these are about a month or two of my Bravelle injections. I will do a ratio of 3 powders to 1 saline solution starting lastnight (Monday) for 4 days and go in on Friday to see how my body is reacting and if we need to increase or decrease the dosage. The injections usually last about 10 days. Throughout the next week and a half I will go in for monitoring and blood work to make sure my body is reacting to the drugs and producing multiple follicles. Our hopes are the multiple follicles will produce a few eggs and out of that few 1 will take. Sounds so complicated, right?? If you can remember from one of my other posts I have a 75% chance of one egg taking and 25% chance of twins on injections.

I took my first shot last night around 8:30pm and woke up this morning already feeling extremely bloated and irritable. Mike came home and I complained about how bloated I was and the honest man that he is told me he can tell...Oooh Michael Allen you are so lucky I love you and your honesty. He should know better not to mess with an irritable wife who has to deal with sticking herself with drugs for half the month. So, for the next 10 days I will be wearing only sweatpants and not asking my husband if i look bloated.

For those of you who are following along I thank you for sticking with me and I will be sure to update with each visit to the doctor!

Another milestone...

After the boys I expected to have good days and bad days. I still feel that August - January was just a blur, a dream.  When I look at my pregnancy pictures I almost have to remind myself that was real and that was me and we were expecting twin boys. We would have been 40 weeks at the end of this week. My boys would have been here. I would be holding them right now. I hate how some days I am fantastic, positive and excited for the future and other days I want to stay in bed and remember the days where I was happy, pregnant and planning my boys future.

Saturday was a gorgeous day! Probably the nicest day we have had yet this year. I was excited to turn the music up and sit on my porch and just soak in the sun. However, with a beautiful day comes all the families that want to get out with their kids, strollers, walks to the park. I sat on my porch for a few hours watching everyone walk to an event on base for military children. All I could think about was how we should be loading our kids up in their stroller and walking up to the event. I wish I could turn my mind off. I know everyone says this is normal and part of the grieving process and it is still very fresh, but I just want to move on. I don't want to forget my boys, but I just hate hurting. The pain is just so unreal. I have been through emotional pain. Pain of losing a relationship, pain of losing a grandparent, pain of losing a pet, but this pain of losing your children is just unfathomable. It almost makes you question if you ever want to have kids again, because their is always a chance that something bad could happen to them.

We took this month off from treatments and I am praying so hard that with a miracle we somehow get pregnant this month. I mean a girl can dream, right? I still laugh at the thought that people can get pregnant on purpose with one month of trying and no fertility treatments. Please Please Please let that be this month. No more needles, ultrasounds to track follicles and the thought of having a surprise pregnancy test! Oh to dream big, lol.

Ok, so I must get on with life now. Get myself in the shower and pretty for my last week of class. I can't believe my shoot is on Friday and then we get our certificates! I finally accomplished one of my dreams and hoping there are more to come. One thing that has been good in my life recently is meeting all these great people in my class. I do believe God puts certain people in your life. They have definitely made these last 4 weeks very manageable :).


Shannon :)  

And the results are in...

As the saying goes..."better luck next time." It's ok though, I am not horribly upset. Thank goodness I have a busy month ahead of me to keep me from dwelling on it. I knew that this cycle may not have worked. Any treatment less than injections never worked in the past so it was just wishful thinking anyways. The only thing I hate is the estrogen and progesterone mimic pregnancy symptoms and you believe you are pregnant because how can you have so many symptoms and not be. So anyone who may be going through fertility treatments in the future be warned!  When you are on extra hormones they will give you every symptom in the book.

On a better note, I am LOVING my class!! I am learning a lot and it's amazing how much I am not a fan of brooklyn, but love Manhattan :). The people in my class are great and I am really enjoying not dwelling on my "issues" everyday, lol.  I think after this class is over I am going to apply at MAC somewhere in lower Manhattan (Oh the possibilities).

Anyways, not much more to report. Thanks for reading!

Shannon :)

Busy week!

Ok, so we are 8 days post IUI (8dpoIUI)and surprisingly this week went really fast! Less than a week to go until the actual blood test. Am I having any symptoms?? Well, I looked in my old pregnancy organizer from last time and the same symptom I do have was burping, lol. Just so you know I am not a burper! The only time I burp is when I drink soda which is not a lot.  Also, the progesterone the doctor prescribes plays with your mind when it comes to symptoms so I am not getting my hopes up since I know how hard it is to think your pregnant and get the negative, so I am just taking it with a grain of salt. Def better to remain positive though, right? I went yesterday morning for the blood work that is required one week post IUI and my estrogen and progesterone were a little on the low side so the doctor prescribed me supplements to boost my levels. One thing I did forget was how the progesterone when taken orally gives you that "I had a few too many glasses of wine before bed" feeling. Just happy I didn't operate any heavy machinery after taking it :). So, I will be on those pills twice a day until they tell me to stop.

I don't know if it's the sun shining, the birds chirping or the extra hormones but I am doing ok!  I should be really sad though.The boys would have been full term this week :(.  I should be hiding in bed not wanting to face the world but I am ok. One thing I do all the time, and I am curious if anyone else does it, is I always wonder where I would be right now if they were still in utero. When I am walking the dogs I think to myself, "would I be outside right now walking the dogs if I was still pregnant?" "Would I be on bed rest right now?" "would I have been bopping around still shopping or would I have been complaining and begging for them to come out?" lol.  I am also getting passed the bitter phase. I have been able to hear about pregnancies without that sad "why does everyone else to get pregnant but me?" thought pops up in my head. This is a huge step. Maybe it's because I know we started treatment and it's only a matter of time before I will get pregnant again and will be able to look towards the future.

As I was driving home today I heard Kelly Clarkson's "stronger" play on the radio and it has been my anthem for the last 3.5 months. Have you ever heard a tragic story and thought to yourself, "OMG if that ever happened to me I would just die." Or, " I can't even imagine what that person is going through. How are they going to go on?" I am sure you think it all the time. Well, I want you to know that you do go on. You overcome everything. You can choose to let it defeat you and you are allowed to be sad, but you do go on. After the boys, I seriously thought I was going to die. My heart hurt so bad, but the days passed and you find strength.  We have been seeing our CG Chaplin almost weekly since January and the last time we saw him he said something I will truly have to thank him for. He told me how inspiring I was for not giving up and jumping right in and not letting this defeat me; However, he also told me that I need to find something else to focus on that's for me. At first I was mad he said that. How can I focus on something else? I am willing, for as long as it takes to sacrifice my body to treatments until we have that healthy baby. So far I have spent three years as a science experiment. Always taking medication, Always getting blood drawn, my ovaries have been the size of ping pong balls. I have put off my career and traveling because it interferes with treatments. Never able to lose weight because the meds just continue to bloat you up and make it almost impossible to workout without the fear your ovaries might burst from being jumbled around your insides. I am willing to endure it. Wouldn't you do anything for your kids and family? If this is what it takes than I am going to do it. But, I also remembered I am a human and have dreams and desires too. We got home from that appointment and Mike told me to find a school in Manhattan for makeup certification and go. Find one that is only a few months or weeks and go! So, as of Monday of next week I will be a full time student for 4 weeks at Chic Studios NYC. I will finally be a certified Makeup Artist! For those of you that know me really well this has been a passion since middle school. One that I have always been scared to do, but I am focusing on me this time.

So, feel free to leave a comment and let me know what was your major symptom for pregnancy and if you have had multiple pregnancies did it continue to be your main symptom each time!? Looking forward to hearing from you.

Thanks again for reading,

Shannon!

Back in the game! ... of Treatments dun dun dun!

If you have been there you know exactly what I am talking about. Mike and I decided to start the first cycle after the boys with a LESS aggressive fertility treatment. By less aggressive I mean less needles, bloat, and pain. However, you still deal with the hormones which I am sure my wonderful husband can tell you all about. Always crying, bitching, complaining and did I mention crying?  So day 1 is the first day of your cycle (period) and within the first couple days you are prescribed an oral medication (letrozole or Clomid) to take twice a day for five days. On day 10 of my cycle the endless pokes and prods of the treatment begin. I will go in every other day (and for anyone familiar with the Verrazano Bridge, it's a huge toll of 15.00) for about a week to get blood and have a transvaginal ultrasound to track the size and number of follicles that the medicine produced. For all those who are new, a follicle is what releases the egg :). After that week I had one big follicle about 20mm. I was told to take the trigger shot 36 hours before my IUI. The trigger shot will force the follicle to release my pretty little egg and send it on its long journey down my fallopian tube to hopefully meet with one, just one sperm who is fighting his way through the crowd. I always envision the opening credits to the movie "Look Who's Talking," lol.

The IUI process is not too bad. If you can survive a papsmear you are fine. Your husband goes in an hour or so before the procedure to make his "deposit." After that, it is put through a machine that washes the sperm and removes all of the ejaculate so you are left with a very pure and concentrated "deposit." The funniest part to me is when we go in for the IUI and the doctor puts it on a slide and informs us if they are swimming or dead.  I am sure every man, including my husband holds their breath until the doctor congratulates them with the response of, "well, they are not dead". But, you also don't want to hear that you have some that are swimming in circles either ;) So, after the swimmers pass the microscope test I am set up as if you are getting your yearly exam and instead of being swabbed you have a very long catheter that is put all the way into your uterus. If all goes well this only last about 15 seconds and then told to lay there for 15 min. After that I went home and put my feet up. Not that that is even necessary, but believe me if I have to go home and put my legs up in the hope I am giving those little suckers and advantage I will.

As much as I loathe treatments, I am so excited for them. It is definitely a love/hate relationship. I hate the fact that I even have to do treatments, but I love the day we complete them because that means the next two weeks I rub my belly and pray with everything I have that something is growing in there. Of course the thought of getting that phone call two weeks later that the blood test came back negative is the most painful feeling ever. A whole month of needles, trans-vaginal ultrasounds, bloat, ovary pain, night sweats, crying, bitching, complaining all for a negative. But, we aren't going to focus on the negative, are we? 

So, for the next two weeks I will dwell on every poke and twinge I feel in my belly and compare it to www.twoweekwait.com lol. Maybe I will even do a blog and you all can tell me what your immediate symptoms were when you found out you were pregnant!

Thank you again for accompanying me in this chaotic journey!

Possibly some answers!!

Tonight I met with Dr. Kofinas my new High Risk doctor. This doctor could be my ticket to bringing a healthy full term baby into this world. He is known for studying the placenta and deals greatly with situations such as ours on a daily basis. Here is his website: http://www.kofinasperinatal.org/about-us-/doctors

At our appointment we had a thorough exam and was told everything looks great which was even greater for me since we are going in for our IUI tomorrow evening. My uterine lining was thick and our one follicle was 20mm which is perfect. Now we just need sperm to meet egg...but lets save that for another blog :)

Dr. Kofina's started out needing to know the details of our previous pregnancy. We informed him that we had what we thought was a pretty normal pregnancy with little bumps along the way. He looked at our paperwork from our other doctors and noticed that our last ultrasound before labor with the other high risk doctor showed we had a cervix length over 4 and the following week, two days prior to delivery it was 3.14. This right off the bat alarmed him and said that was our first indication something was not right. This should have been a red flag to our doctor after the nurse called it in, but why would our doctor look at our chart when the hospital calls them..hmmm...sounds shady to me. Then the doctor looked over the placenta pathology report from after our delivery and said that the boys combined placenta weight was less than what one of their placentas should have been. This seems to be what went wrong. He discussed that when something is wrong with the placenta your cervix becomes inflamed and brings on contractions resulting in labor. He said that if he were our doctor from the beginning all of our blood work would have been completed that we had done after the boys and the placenta would have been accurately measured and treated accordingly. Basically, this could have totally been prevented. The blood work from the beginning would have revealed that I have Thrombophila and needed to be on Lovenox and baby aspirin. He said unfortunately this happens all to often because doctors don't check the blood work until a person has had a few losses which is a few too late in his eyes.

We made sure to ask if this was destined to happen again and he said not with the right treatment. These are the situations he sees daily. He mentioned one lady who was there while we were there who was 35 weeks with twins and had come to him at 20 weeks when she was going into pre term labor. He was able to take care of her and get her to this point. We asked if twins would be an option and he responded again, "with the right monitoring and treatment of course." This is what he does. Mike and I are completely relieved. I have faith again. I go back in tomorrow (bc their blood lady was out) for another blood test to test our Natural Killer cells and if we conceive this month I will go back right after to start the lovenox shots. I try to think God has put us in NY for a reason and this may be it. He knew there would be a reason I needed this doctor. I feel so blessed. My heart still aches to think that what happened to my boys could have been prevented. I would have been 34 weeks right now and it hurts so bad. However, I can't bring them back but I know that we are so much closer to bringing a baby home after meeting with Dr. Kofinas. My little angels will help us along the way too. Now just to have good luck with our IUI tomorrow!!

Look for my blog on this IUI cycle either tomorrow or later this week :)

This is our reality...

Today we went to our regular fertility doctor. I went to this appointment thinking we would have our consultation on where to go from here, an ultrasound and some blood work. Well, the only thing we did was the consultation and finding out the reality of what is to possibly come.

Our doctor began with the normal introduction we have been hearing for the last two months of how sorry he is and how he wished everything was different. He wanted to know if the labor was brought on by any infection or incompetent cervix and we let him know it was just preterm labor. With that, he is obligated to tell us his opinion and what he thinks we need to do. Like I mentioned before in a previous blog our high risk doctor told us this was a fluke thing and we had a less then 1% chance of this happening and my body is more than capable of having babies and more then one at that. Our fertility doctor is not so sure. Well, not this time around at least. The good news is we know we can get pregnant and the "cocktail" that will accomplish that. With the injections he told us that there is a 75% chance of having one baby and after that the rest is multiples. Obviously, we know the percentages because we had twins before.

I almost decided not to blog this appointment because I really don't even want to think of our options let alone write them down. Since we know what can get us pregnant we need to think about what will happen if we get multiples again. If we get one baby that will be the perfect scenario and we will go about our pregnancy being very closely monitored. If we get more we have the worst possible scenario apart from what we suffered two months ago.

The doctor broke it down like this. My body experienced pregnancy of twins and with that my uterus is stretched. If we get pregnant again and suffer preterm labor again it will likely happen a few weeks later then what it did last time. So, if we went into labor at 20 weeks it could happen again around 23, 24, 25, 26 weeks etc. He made sure to let us know that in that case our babies would have severe life long disabilities and a high chance of not surviving. The other option was to reduce down to one at the end of the first trimester and have one healthy baby. I know what you are all thinking. How can anyone even think of doing this? At the same time, if it meant saving one at the end what do you do? The choice is beyond my grasp and I just can't fathom going through what we did before or having to reduce to one.

He said his goal is to get us a healthy baby and I understand where he is coming from. Since I had no infection or incompetent cervix my chances of having preterm labor again is still high and with multiples it's even higher. I can't imagine going through what we went through again. I now understand how some people just choose to not have children when they are faced with choices like this. I left the office and cried the whole way home. Mike reassured me that we still have other options. Lets try without injections and just do IUI. Maybe we will get lucky. I know I am thinking the worst, but how do I not think the worst right now?

So, we decided to just try without injections and do IUI for the next couple of months and hope and pray with everything we have that we will be blessed to have ONE baby on our own. I am not going to sit and cry all day. I had my 10 minutes in the car on the way home to cry. I know that my time is coming and there has to be a happy ending in sight. I am going to stay as positive as I can and not get upset about something that has not even come about. There is no need in crying over decisions that are not even in my path right now. All I ask is I have that strength and believe we will be a family one day. If you have made it this far thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read.

Shannon <3