Do you have good etiquette? Do you have good infertility etiquette?

I just want to start out by saying I am completely guilty of not having infertility etiquette before we knew we had problems getting pregnant. I would not have thought twice about asking a couple married for a few years if they were planning on having children or asking a newlywed couple when they were going to start trying. Most people are not trying to be hurtful. Most people want to tell you something that they think will make you feel better and we, the infertility world, appreciate those that really do try to help us. However, there are the ones that just don't know any better and may not even know that women suffer from infertility and this is ok. Like I said, I am completely guilty! I feel my job since I have decided to be so open is to also give advice about infertility and educate those who are not aware of what infertility can bring.


This is where infertility etiquette becomes helpful. Here are some 10 do's and don'ts of infertility etiquette :)


10. Don’t Tell Them to Relax-  Ok, this is probably the one we hear the most. It sounds right and makes sense, however, for someone who is struggling with years of infertility we are pretty sure it is not because we are not relaxed.

9. Don’t Minimize the Problem- People have made the comment to me, "well, at least you get to get to do things like travel and take vacations." Really? That does not make me feel better, because going to disney world was fun and all, but I am pretty sure I would rather do those things with my children. Or, "well, just think you get time to yourself whenever you want." Really? this does not make us feel better. 

8. Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen- Sure, I could be killed, I could be kidnapped and tortured, but, to me, at this very moment in life, this is the worse thing that could happen. I can't make a baby with my husband without drugs.  I can't do what I was put on this earth to do. That to me is the worse thing.

7. Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents- If you say this you should just be punched in the throat...lol.

6. Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF- IVF is not for everyone. Not everyone has to go right to IVF depending on their diagnosis. It is a very expensive procedure and unless you are willing to help pay for this 15,000-20,000 dollar procedure don't expect it to be on everyone's checklist.

5. Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy- I understand pregnancy is hard, uncomfortable and can be miserable at times. Just be mindful of who you say this to. Remember, there are people out there that are dying to throw up all day and pee on themselves when they laugh :).

4. Don’t Gossip About Their Infertility- This should be a no brainer!

3. Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)- Adoption is a great thing, but, again, VERY expensive. More expensive than IVF. A lot goes into adoption too. Home studies, evaluations, and a lot of uncertainties. It is very hard for some people to come to terms with never having a child of their own and usually someone's last resort after many years of trying.

2. Let Them Know That You Care- All we want you to say is "I am hear to listen." Ask us questions. We are not expecting anyone to have any words. There aren't any words. If you are religious, pray for us. If you are not, tell us you are thinking of us. You don't need to say anything more. It is very hard for some of us to come out and even talk to our people about it. Infertility is something that we are ashamed of. We can't do what every woman in the world can do. We can't do what a lot of mother's take advantage of. That 3 am wake up call that you dread, we envy. That explosive diaper that you are gagging through changing, we dream of. Watching your husband hold his baby for the first time and never knowing you could love something so much, we would die for.

1. Remember Them on Mother’s Day- Just reach out to someone and say you are thinking of them. That is all.

For those of you who know me know I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty. This is simply for awareness purposes. Just remember next time you talk to someone keep in mind they may be going through something that you may not be aware of. If you don't know what to say ask questions. We want to educate you and we want you to understand what happens in the infertility world.

Thank you for reading :)

Shannon W.