Well, it has been a hot minute since I last posted...2018. After I had Mason and Maddox it was hard for me to write. Not only was I super busy as a first-time mom to not only one baby, but twins. My writing has always been for therapy and healing. I didn't know how to write about the happy in my life.
To think this blog was created 11 years ago baffles me. Mike and I were somewhat newly married and just beginning the next stage of our lives. I was dealing with so much pain in my heart that the only way I felt I could continue and be successful during that storm was to write. To possibly educate along the way. It did and I still get messages from strangers who are dealing with the same struggles and looking for answers.
So, where are we now? Chase and Cayden would be turning 11 on December 22nd and Mason and Maddox are turning 10 on December 18th. To think the last post, they were almost five years old and now they will be turning ten in just a few short weeks. Why write today? Why five years later?
We left Fl in 2019 and headed to NJ. From NJ we went to Houston. Well, just north of Houston in a town called Spring/Klein....either or...I know, confusing. Anyways, we bought our forever home, and we love it! Mike and I decided when we moved here and established ourselves it was time to also establish our church home. We never had one before and to be honest, I don't think we were ever looking. Church for us growing up was more of a box you checked off the list. You attended CCD class as a child, received communion then confirmation and then you were done. Well, at least that is what I thought about it. My parents made sure we went and checked off the boxes, but we never attended church as a family. We may have gone on Christmas eve, but that was probably the extent of church as a family.
After losing my grandfather, Chase and Cayden a month to the day in 2012; I started to feel something. I experienced something divine minutes before my grandfather passed and my journey with Mason and Maddox was nothing short of a divine intervention in my eyes. It was then I started to really think and ask questions. We were living in Brooklyn, NY at that time and my apartment building had the best neighbors. One of those neighbors invited me to bible study. How could I say no? It was literally across the street and with going through fertility issues it really couldn't hurt to start praying for a miracle.
Months had gone by and my bible study group heard about all of my appointments and negative tests. They prayed with me weekly and after I lost Chase and Cayden, they picked me back up. With my history of anxiety and depression, I feel I could have went two ways. I could have easily crawled in a hole and not come out, literally; or I was going to get over it and try again.
So, fast forward almost ten years later we buy our home in TX. I had already mentioned to Mike that I needed Jesus in my life. This time I was serious. To our surprise our next door neighbors introduced themselves and invited us to their church. Not only invited, but our neighbor was the Pastor! We decided to jump right in, and I can't even tell you how different this church experience is compared to growing up. The music...I cry every single time. The message...it is as if each week it is directed right at me. The community...I can't tell you how many times I tell Mike, "They are just so nice here!"
My kids love it! They have their own worship they attend and then Mike and I get to sit uninterrupted in our own service. After the service Mike and I attend a parenting class and get the chance to talk to other parents and I just love how we can share our own parenting advice and learn better ways to raise our children.
The first time I went to the parenting class I was alone. Mike couldn't attend and I just felt the need to go that day even if my other half wasn't there. That day someone brought up "Testimony." Shared what their testimony was. Here is mine....
November 22, 2012
My grandfather was dying. He was not really talking and in and out of it. He looked to be in a lot of pain, and I do believe they were keeping him "comfortable." Minutes before he passed, he mumbled the words, "babies". My mom and I looked at each other to see if we both heard it. We repeated it back to him and he shook his head. I took it as he wanted to know the babies...or maybe what they were. We didn't even know. We were planning on doing a gender reveal a few weeks later. I had to lie to him and tell him it was a boy and a girl. I didn't know what else to say. After that he relaxed and a few moments later he starts to put his hand together in a prayer form. We all asked him if he was wanting to pray. He shook his head and we prayed. Moments later he passed. I thought about those moments a lot and we all agreed it was as if the angels were on their way and he knew it. He knew to pray before they took him.
December 22, 2012
20w5d. My body goes into spontaneous labor. The boys are born and live for about an hour. I will never forget the sound of my husband crying as one baby grasps his finger. They were just too small for this earth. I still regret to this day opting for the pain meds. When they offered me the meds, I just wanted to be sedated. I knew my babies were coming and not staying, but I never thought the meds would make me so numb that I would not be able to cry or even worse not be able to hold them in their final moments. Luckily, after they passed, I was able to spend time and hold them, but I still regret the meds.
For months after we lost Chase and Cayden the doctors said I was the less than 1%. I had two doctors tell me that and who was I to question that. I am not a doctor. However, something was not sitting right with me. Here is where my "Testimony" comes into play. My dad had a best friend who had a client in Brooklyn, NY. That friend sold 4D Ultrasound Machines to doctors. This doctor was one of the only doctors in the world that studies the placenta. Again, my dad's best friend, I just happen to live Brooklyn and live within 30 min of this doctor. Coincidence?
I get the opportunity to see this doctor for a consultation. A consultation that is $1,000.00. A consultation that my insurance just so happened to accept and not have to pay. Again, how does that even happen? The doctor tells me to bring the boys' placental autopsies. He reviews the report and within a min or less he pinpoints a problem. He says, "The weight of both boy's placenta combined weighed less than what one should be." You should have been on blood thinners you have a blood clot disorder called Thrombophilia. Stunned! I just sat there in shock. This many just told me an answer. He answered it like as if you asked him what to take when you have a headache. It was a no brainer to him.
My next question is what now? I had an OB and a Maternal Fetal Med doctor telling me I was just unlucky. I had a fertility doctor tell me let's do the same "cocktail" and try to get you one baby. The same doctor who said, "If by chance you get multiples again, we reduce down to one. My goal is to get you a healthy baby. If you don't reduce to one baby the same thing will happen, but instead of 20 weeks you will experience the loss a few weeks later which could be even more heartbreaking." Of course, I ask that doctor what does reducing mean? What week? How does it work? The doctor knowing what we just went through and cremating two babies, answered very cautiously...." It would be around 14 weeks and with a needle to whichever babies' heart is most accessible." I immediately start crying at the thought that this was even something that had to be considered.
I call up the new doctor and inform him of the fertility doctors' "recommendation". He advised me to do the same cocktail and instead of reducing to one baby I will be in his care at 8 weeks, and we will go from there.
Cocktail works! My body doesn't work but works very well with drugs. I get twins...again and I get twin boys at that. I was a mess. Instead of jumping for joy all I could think of was Deja Vu. This is happening again. This was the same story. I read this book already. I know the ending. The ending sucked and I don't want to relive it. However, the doctor put me on blood thinners, and we get to 31 w 5 days.
December 18, 2013
Mason and Maddox are born via Csection. My water broke while on hospital bed rest and we made it just two days shy of 32 weeks. That 32 week mark was crucial. Mason spent 44 days and Maddox spent 66 days in the NICU.
People often talk about their babies first year. I can honestly tell you God gave me the happiest and most loving, calm and silly boys. God gave me the ability to breast feed up to 9 months and enough milk to last a year. I didn't get the easy pregnancy or the experience of holding my children right after birth. That skin to skin and going home together, but God gave me Chase and Cayden back in the form of Mason and Maddox.
I believe my grandfather knew he was going to have the babies in heaven. Maybe mumbling babies as his last words were his way of reassuring me that he knew. I also get asked if I miss Chase and Cayden and how I don't cry or breakdown. I truly believe that Mason and Maddox were given back to me by Chase and Cayden.
I also had a moment recently, for the first time in 10 years, I thought about that day the doctor told me I would have had to reduce to one baby. What if I did? Which baby would it have been? I can't imagine how many women are put into that position and don't question it. What if I didn't meet that other doctor? What if I wasn't in Brooklyn, NY at that time. Again, I was put into places for a reason.
If you made it this far, thank you.
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