Another milestone...

After the boys I expected to have good days and bad days. I still feel that August - January was just a blur, a dream.  When I look at my pregnancy pictures I almost have to remind myself that was real and that was me and we were expecting twin boys. We would have been 40 weeks at the end of this week. My boys would have been here. I would be holding them right now. I hate how some days I am fantastic, positive and excited for the future and other days I want to stay in bed and remember the days where I was happy, pregnant and planning my boys future.

Saturday was a gorgeous day! Probably the nicest day we have had yet this year. I was excited to turn the music up and sit on my porch and just soak in the sun. However, with a beautiful day comes all the families that want to get out with their kids, strollers, walks to the park. I sat on my porch for a few hours watching everyone walk to an event on base for military children. All I could think about was how we should be loading our kids up in their stroller and walking up to the event. I wish I could turn my mind off. I know everyone says this is normal and part of the grieving process and it is still very fresh, but I just want to move on. I don't want to forget my boys, but I just hate hurting. The pain is just so unreal. I have been through emotional pain. Pain of losing a relationship, pain of losing a grandparent, pain of losing a pet, but this pain of losing your children is just unfathomable. It almost makes you question if you ever want to have kids again, because their is always a chance that something bad could happen to them.

We took this month off from treatments and I am praying so hard that with a miracle we somehow get pregnant this month. I mean a girl can dream, right? I still laugh at the thought that people can get pregnant on purpose with one month of trying and no fertility treatments. Please Please Please let that be this month. No more needles, ultrasounds to track follicles and the thought of having a surprise pregnancy test! Oh to dream big, lol.

Ok, so I must get on with life now. Get myself in the shower and pretty for my last week of class. I can't believe my shoot is on Friday and then we get our certificates! I finally accomplished one of my dreams and hoping there are more to come. One thing that has been good in my life recently is meeting all these great people in my class. I do believe God puts certain people in your life. They have definitely made these last 4 weeks very manageable :).


Shannon :)