So many doctors! 1/23/13

Last night Mike and I went to our high risk doctor. Our appt was for 5:30 pm and we had to sit in the waiting room til almost 7:20 before being seen. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have to sit in a packed waiting room with expecting mothers gushing about their pregnancies and oogling over their ultrasound pictures for almost 2 hours. Now let me make this CLEAR. I don't want this to sound like I hate pregnant women. It probably comes off that way, I am just sad to be around them and I am jealous that they still have that life growing inside them. It is the memory of sitting in that waiting room myself with Mike and we were the ones gushing about our pregnancy and oogling our boys pictures.  I am extremely happy for anyone who is expecting a baby, ok? We are all on the same page that I still love pregnant women? Good.

Anyways, we are finally called back and the doctor was surprised to see us. He apologized over and over for us having to sit out there with everyone else. He did make it very clear that next time call ahead and let them know and we will be brought in right away no matter the wait time. Def appreciated that. The reason we went last night is because our OB has recommended that we have every blood panel under the sun done. We are trying to find SOMETHING that may have caused our preterm labor. So, this Saturday I will have 22 tubes of blood taken to rule out any sort of disorder or abnormality. Hoping something minor comes back just so we can say ah-ha! that was it. Now lets fix it for next time.

 If you don't know my high risk doctor he is super friendly, compassionate and animated. His hair kind of reminds me of a mad scientist. Every time we go to him we get our ultrasound done and then he meets individually with everyone either to go over something in the pregnancy or just to see how we are doing. We really like him!

However, last night he made it very clear that emotionally we are not ready to jump right back into trying to conceive. Well, if anyone knows me I am ready. Of course the emotion of what happened is right there and very fresh. Of course I am not looking to replace Cayden and Chase, but my desire to be a mother is huge and I have made this a personal mission. He told me that I am young and still have plenty of time and should wait 6 months to a year to try again. WHOA WHOA WHOA! He better take a seat!  I asked him if he thinks this due to my emotional well being or physical and he said emotional. My ultrasound last night proved that we are almost ready to start trying... that my lining nice and thick only 4 weeks out (for those of you who don't know what that means. You want your lining to be nice and thick. When you fertilize an egg it needs to implant into a nice, thick lining in order to make a baby, capiche?)
Ok, so, he made the analogy of "you have been through war and you got your legs blown off. Lets get you back to walking." I get it doc, I really do. If I was fertile myrtle that may be an option. I informed him that I have never EVER been pregnant on accident or on our own. It has taken three years to get pregnant twice with drugs and IUI. First one ended in miscarriage and then my boys. If you think I am going to start preventing now you are nuts. He doesn't want us to get pregnant and god forbid suffer another loss so soon. Well, suffering a loss in a month, 6 months, a year or 10 years will never get easier. If you told me that my body needs time I understand that. I know plenty of women who have babies 10-12-15 months apart so it's possible.

I asked him about our situation and if we are destined for it to happen again and he (as a high risk doctor) informed us that our situation was so very rare. He even said that I could carry twins again. We don't want multiples because of higher risks, but he said there is no reason why my body couldn't go to term. I asked him if it was because I was carrying twins that I went into preterm labor and he said if that was the case you would have went at 34 weeks instead. So, we still only want to aim for one baby, but I feel better knowing that he thinks that even if we had twins again that I would be able to go to term with more monitoring and extra precautions. He said this was a FREAK thing. Very very rarely does this sort of stuff happen with no explanation. We are the less than 1%.

There will always be reminders 1/16/13

I have to give myself a little credit here. I think I have been doing really good despite the circumstances we were given. I have managed to make it to the gym 3 days this week (including the weekends whoo hoo) and I have weaned myself off of the sleep aides. Mike and I can kiss their urn and teddy bears without tearing up before we get into bed. I can refer to their room as "the boys room" without having to give mike the "sad lip."I am able to hangout with my friends and talk about other things and be "normal." However, it never fails that I have reminders once in a while that just knock me back down. Today I got up, had the energy to go to the gym and when i got home I checked my email to only be reminded from Babycenter.com that I would have been 24 weeks today (I swear I unsubscribed from them, damnt!). I guess there are going to be the highs and the lows.

All I can think of is that we would have reached another milestone this week. At 24 weeks my babies could have been born and able to breath with help of the NICU. I do know that 24 weeks is not a good place to be for little babies. This could have been fatal as well or a lifetime of severe disabilities. I guess I see it as my babies would have had a fighting chance. This is when I say to myself, "things happen for a reason" and I move on.

I have prepared myself for the months to come. I am going to have days that were for the babies. Jan 26th was going to be our boys shower. Well, Mike and I have decided to take "The 5 languages of Love" course on base that day. Take that day to strengthen our marriage and ourselves even more. I have friends that will be getting ready for the arrival of their own babies. I have to learn that it is ok to be sad that they get their babies, but be happy for them. I never want people to think I am not happy for them. I think it would be normal to have these feelings.

We are going away for our 3 year anniversary in February. Mike and I can reconnect all over again. This is something to look forward to.

There will always be reminders and days where I am on top of the world and days where I can't get out of bed. As long as I recognize what is healthy and what is not I will be ok. :)

Accept it and move on. 1/12/13

Mike and I went to my 3 week PP visit yesterday. My fear was I was going to walk into that waiting room where I would go every couple of weeks to see my beans and be sitting next to a bunch of happy pregnant women. Luckily, we walked in and were the only ones. Even though we were the only ones I still had to hold back some tears. Pregnancy magazines in front of me and the cork board where all new moms sent the doctor their little bundle of joy announcements. I used to look at that cork board and imagine our little guys up there with some cute twins pose on the announcement.

The nurse called us back and I could see the pity in her eyes. She saw me only five weeks prior and our visit was very different. I was put into the "not pregnant" room. I say that because it had no ultrasound machine. The doctor came in and he gave me a quick exam and told us we were good to go. I was able to resume all normal activity. That was definitely good to hear. I was praying that the black cloud that was hovering over us wasn't going to drop any unexpected storms our way. After the exam we asked if we could go back to his office and discuss what happened all over again.

Mike decided to do all the talking because I have a tendency to be super nice about things. Even when I am super mad I am not able to be stern. Our questions ranged from what happened to where do we go from here. I will sum it up this way.

Our situation was not good from the start. We went into the hospital in full labor and 1cm dilated and delivered in three hours from that time. He told us he did order the magnesium shot and ordered blood work to be done. The blood work he ordered was the reason for not getting the shot. In order to give the magnesium they need to rule out any infections. If he were to give us a shot before finding out the results of the blood work and I were to have had an infection it could have been very bad. We never received the blood work back until after the babies were born. Results showed no infection anyway. Also, he did tell us that all OB's are taught not to give anything prior to 24 weeks. Do some doctor's break that rule? Sure. He said he is 99.9 % sure that even if he gave us that shot right when we walked in the door it would not have worked. My labor was just too strong and nothing was going to stop it.

We have accepted that he did everything he could. He even discussed with us that he will not be upset if we didn't want to use him anymore; but, he did reassure us that going forward we will be very closely monitored and have every test known to man that will tell them anything that could lead to another loss. We will be given P17 shots starting at 16 weeks and if their is any indication of a shortening cervix a cerclage will be discussed. At this point, I did not have an incompetent cervix just preterm labor. I made sure to ask if this is what will continue to happen and he said that he has seen women with the same thing happen go on to have full term babies with close monitoring and those shots. That was nice to hear.

He did tell me that the goal for next time is one baby. We are not sure if twins were the reason for preterm labor. A lot of women go on to have full term twin pregnancies but a lot do not. Multiples are not always a good thing. Some women just can't take the extra baby and pressure on their cervix. My concern of course is we have not been successful getting pregnant on our own and multiples is the risk you take when you take fertility drugs. However, we know that women are super fertile after they give birth. I am hoping that "normal" women are super fertile which could possibly mean I am just regular fertile...haha. We are going to try on our own for a few months and he told us that was the best thing to do right after birth. We may surprise ourselves and get pregnant the "old fashioned" way :)

Mike and I decided that with a loss like this we deserve to go on vacation. We will be going to Disney World and then hop a 4 day cruise to the Bahamas. The doctor said this would be a good time to possibly bring home a souvenir from our trip ;). Ya, one can only wish.

Why??? 1/9/2013

It has been 18 days since my boys passed away.

I was given a paper that titles "The Five Stages of Grief"
1. Denial
2. Anger
3.Bargaining
4.Depression
5.Accpetance

I am not sure I have gone through denial, but I am definitely in the anger stage. My anger stems from a few different areas. I am angry at god, and I am angry at the hospital. I am angry that no one tried to stop my labor. I am angry that they put me in a room and I didn't see another doctor until mine walked in two hours later. I am angry to know my husband overheard my doctor after he got to the hospital arguing with other staff because he wanted to try and they didn't think it would work and then it was too late. I am angry at all the "what if's" What if they did give me a shot to stop the labor when I was 1cm? I wouldn't be mad if they just tried. Even if we got the same outcome, at least they tried!

Why did they just assume nothing would work? I am angry that I have google and I can research day and night and read about other hospitals that gave people a chance and it bought them a few more weeks. A few more weeks to me would have meant a chance at survival. I am angry that people tell me that even if they made it to 24 weeks they might have suffered life long issues. Maybe they would have, but I will never know because they weren't given that chance. How do we know they wouldn't have been medical miracles. Octomom (even though a moron) was still a medical miracle. John and kate plus 8 was a medical miracle. I am not saying my babies would have been a medical miracle and I am not saying the shot would have even worked. I am just saying that when I go to a hospital I expect everything to be done as if it would work! Is that wrong to think? Is that not correct? If you are having a heart attack and you go to the hospital do they not try and save you even if they think it may not work!?

We meet with our doctor on Friday and I want so much to trust him and truly believe that he will not let this happen again. Or at least be there to try. I want to think that the hospital next time will be better because we will demand more and we will know what not to let slide.

We have thought about switching hospitals and doctors. Our only concern is if we were to go to New Jersey or Long Island and the moment something like this happens we will only have time to get to the hospital we were at and we will be right back where we started. I know in time our thoughts will make sense and we will be able to sit down and make better decisions.

I wish there was a switch I could turn off. Stop the thinking and the researching. Let my mind focus on other things.

How much more can we take? 1/5/13

The day my boys came into this world and quickly left, my husband and I had to make decisions that no parent should ever have to make. Right after the boys passed the nurses came in and wanted to know what we were going to do with their little bodies. Our options were to let the hospital take care of it. This would mean they would be placed in a city cemetery and will remain here in NY, be buried where we would like them to be buried or we could cremate them. Since we are a military family it only made sense to cremate them so we could take them with us everywhere we move. We had to make the dreaded phone call to a funeral home and explain why we needed their services. We arranged that day to have the funeral rep come over to our house and do all the paperwork. We decided to keep the boys together and get one urn. I, as the mother, was the only one that could sign all the paperwork. I, their mother. For the first time in my life I was someone's mother. I was so excited to finally be a mother and the first documents I am signing is their funeral arrangements and death certificates. Through the tears I signed the paperwork to bring my babies home. It may not be the way I envisioned bringing them home, but they will be coming home.

We decided that since our babies were born, even if they only lived a few minutes it was only right to have a service for them. January 4, 2013 I wanted to make sure the boys were sent to heaven with a beautiful church service. We invited all our family and close friends and  picked the Dixie Chicks, "Godspeed" as their song. The day of the service we brought their urn, their hospital memory books and their teddy bears the hospital gave us to the church. We were able to set up their memorial. My brother, who is a great artist drew a picture of their feet with wings in heaven. We made sure everything was perfectly displayed for others to see. Walking over to the church that night was very hard. I had to walk into a room and say goodbye to my babies again and in front of people. I started hyperventilating and was pretty sure I was going to pass out. It was just another reminder that my boys were gone. The service was beautiful and we had a wonderful turn out. I can't say how blessed we are with the prayers of others. A few people I knew shared very private stories of their own losses and then reassured me that they were blessed soon after with a baby. They all have faith that we will be blessed again and I do to.

Surviving the storm. 12/24/12

December 22, 2012 - 20 w 4 days

I woke up at 3:30 am with god awful back pain. This was not your typical back pain. I wake Mike up and let him know that this pain is not normal. I try and walk it out and call the hospital to let them know I am having all the symptoms.  Their advice was to drink as much as I could in the next hour and if the pain does not let up to come in. Well, lets just say we left a little before 5 am because it was not letting up but getting worse.

Thank goodness the hospital is 10 minutes away; however, if you were to ask me it took an hour to get there. We arrive and I could barely get myself into the door. Luckily, there was a nice old man who wheeled me up to L&D as mike found parking. When I arrive I made sure to tell them that this is not normal and I am too early to be feeling this pain. They brought me into their little triage area and the doctor from Thursday asked me in a tone I could have kicked her in the face for, "What's happening, why are you here?" All I could manage to tell her was, "I don't know you touched me last."

She started to do an exam and with shock in her eyes she told my husband and I that we were 1cm dilated and in labor. My husband immediately asked if we could be sewn up and she said it was too late for that. We asked about the babies and she informed us that at 20 weeks babies are not viable outside the womb. I was having contractions a min apart, so my thoughts were not all there. I was almost already numb to anything and just wanted someone to take the pain away. They rolled me into a room and a nurse put an IV in me. We were told to wait for our doctor.

In the next two hours I waited for my doctor.  Focusing on the pain and just breathing I asked for medicine, but was told again I need to wait for my doctor. At 7:30 am I remember looking at the clock and asking someone where he is, "he should be here in 15 min" replied one of the nurses. I couldn't believe that I had been there for almost 2 hours. You would think being in that much pain the time would have been so slow.

I remember seeing my doctor at 8:00 am and he was trying to tell me something. All I could get out was begging for medicine. He tried again to tell me that things are not looking good. well, I pretty much figured that out on my own thank you very much. He walked out again and I let Mike know that I felt the pressure to push and he made sure to run out and get the doctor. On his way in I felt a gush and proceeded to let everyone know that "I did it" and it was over. The doctor turned over the sheet and my water had broken. I was going to have to push.

Chase was born and then 4 min later Cayden was born. I gave birth to my boys at 20 weeks. They were born and then had no choice but to die. What happened? We were told that these things happen and we will never know why. There were no indications. We were told nothing could have stopped it.

Luckily, we were given the chance to stay with them and hold them, kiss them and say our goodbyes. These are the blankets the boys were put in after I delivered. I am so thankful I get to keep their little outfits and blankets :)

I called my parents and we decided not to tell them until they showed up. I would hate for them to drive two hours upset with the news. When they walked in and saw me holding the boys I will never forget the looks on their faces. My mom helped me dress the boys and tried her best to say the right things. My dad was beyond himself. 

Over the moon! 12/20/12

August 14th is when we finished our last injection cycle and had our IUI. August 28th we got the call letting us know we were pregnant. We continued with the blood work every few days and our numbers were skyrocketing. We are successfully pregnant. We found out at six weeks that we indeed had two heartbeats. We kind of had an inkling since our numbers were so high. We were completely over the moon. Trying so hard not to buy stuff  because anything could happen and we were still in the first trimester.

First trimester came and went and it was def not easy. I was sick and exhausted, but I was finally pregnant and having two babies. I wouldn't give it up for the world.

16 weeks came and unfortunately my grandfather passed away and that same week I was in the hospital with kidney stones.

17 weeks we said goodbye to poppy but let him know with our gender reveal that we were having two boys! Mike is ecstatic. My future is all boys!!! I can't wait.

Every day I wake up and I do my research on twins and routines. I make sure I sit in my reclining chair a few hours out of the day because I know with multiples it is good to rest and take it easy. I finally started to feel the boys. They felt like little worms slithering along in my belly. What an amazing feeling :)

20 weeks came and my bladder is starting to get beat up and I am convinced one of them is very low. I made the comment to Mike that it is prob time to get a belly band bc I am going to fall over forward pretty soon.

20 w 2 days I woke up and decided I needed some reassurance so I went to L&D. Luckily the exam showed nothing wrong and that I was prob over reacting. I went home with peace of mind and two active little boys moving around ;)

We need a vacation. 7/19/12

After our tease I like to call it in May, we decided I would go with Mike to Seattle. He had training for work there for a week and since I was still looking for a job why not tag along.  I always think a vacation after a loss or hard time in your life is necessary. Time to clear your mind before jumping back in. We had a good time and even had the chance to meet up with some family I haven't seen in years.

After our trip we decided to jump right back in. Why wait any longer? We know the "cocktail" it took to get pregnant lets try again.

Well, June was a bust! Same "cocktail" no result.

In July we decided to sit down with our doctor and figure out what is next. Do we jump into IVF? If so, we will need to take some time off and I will need to take this job hunt seriously because IVF is not cheap. It would cost about $10,000 to do the whole procedure and even then it is not guaranteed.

His plan was for me to have a laparoscopy. This will be an outpatient surgery and with a little microscope the doctor will go in through my belly button and take a look at my tubes. He is making sure I don't have endometriosis or growths that could be preventing me from getting pregnant.

He also assured us that since we got pregnant once, IVF will not be in our course of action because he knows we can get pregnant. We have good chances :)

Laproscopy went well! Nothing was found and we can continue with the injections.

Could it be! 4/25/12

The day before the call from the nurse was not a good day. I woke up to AF. The witch was here and letting me down once again. I almost contemplated calling my doctor that day and cancelling my blood test. She reassured me that 30% of women bleed through their pregnancy and we can't just rule it out yet. So, I decide to keep my appointment and dragged my butt there at 7 am like I have been doing for months.

The dreaded phone call! For anyone going through treatments, you know that day where you go in for the blood work first thing in the morning and then have to WAIT ALL DAY to find out if you are pregnant.

Well, I waited and waited and finally got the call. Not getting my hopes up of course because I had my period and new the cycle was a bust.

 Katie, my nurse is so sweet and I always wonder that if she calls me earlier if that means she is getting all the negative tests out of the way or vice versa. Well, she called me around 3:30pm, the middle of the day. That can mean anything! So, I answer the call and she starts asking how I am. KATIE! Just tell me, I don't have enough breath in my body to talk to you without my results.

She gives me my results with an enthusiastic, "Congratulations, its a positive and your beta number is a 50." I continued to tell her I was still bleeding and that there must be a mistake and she encouraged me that the results were real and if it made me feel better to take it easy the next few days. We were so early as it was and anything could happen at that point. But, we did it!!! We were pregnant!

Luckily Mike was home and we laughed, cried and called our family. The rule is you don't tell anyone, but with everything we have been through we can tell those close to us.

A day or so later I was still bleeding. I knew in my heart this wasn't good. The nurse also told me to come back in four days after the result to do another blood test to make sure the beta number doubles. I went back in and with another phone call that day I was not pregnant anymore. What a slap in the face. I had only a few days to enjoy what I knew of pregnancy. The world crashes once again.

If you have been through infertility you know the feeling very well of, "OK, get back on that horse and try again." So, we did.

Injections here we come..3/9/12

Here we are March 2012 finding out how to administer my injections. The nurse makes sure we know how to switch out the needles, extract it from the bottle and make sure no bubbles are left in the syringe and insert it into my belly. Ew! Please lord, haven't we suffered enough? I think my husband actually enjoyed this part of treatments. He gets to poke me every night for 10 days with a needle.

We were told to start the injections that night and then go in every other day for blood work and ultrasound to monitor the size of the follicles. Oh ya, I said follicles. These drugs will produce multiple follicles with the hopes that you will get a few good eggs out of the batch and one will be big enough to be caught by the all mighty sperm.

Days pass and I am slowly getting sore in my lower belly. Not from the shots, but I can def tell there are some follicles growing. It actually makes me happy to know I am sore, because maybe that means that my eggies are getting big and ready.

We find out that we have a few follicles that are good to go and told to trigger. This is another shot you take to bring on ovulation within a couple days.  I will trigger that night and then go in 48 hours later for the IUI.

So, It is April 6th (Good Friday) and my mom is going to be here for the IUI as well. Kind of awkward because if we conceive today technically she was in the same room when I conceived.

Def in pain after the IUI. They actually say the more you have cramps after an IUI the better the chances.

I will be back in 14 days! Hopefully with some good news :)

Feeling like a complete failure 2/28/12

Well, October 2011 we started the Clomid and it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. This was our first cycle on fertility drugs and I think I was expecting the worst of the worst. With such a reputation, I thought my inner witch was going to come out for Halloween, but she didn't. The only crappy thing is we are not pregnant. Our doctor decided that next cycle we will be switching to a drug called Letrozole. The reason for the sudden switch after only one cycle is Clomid has a tendency to thin your uterine lining So, Letrozole it is. Lets jump ahead two cycles with Letrozole...they were all negative.

Our doctor asked if we were interested in the next course of action which would be to submit a post coital test. This is a controversial test because a lot of doctors don't feel it is 100% accurate. We were told to do the deed at midnight and come right back first thing in the morning. The doctor will take a sample of my cervix and check to see if any swimmers were alive. To put it lightly, my cervix was a war zone and there were no survivors.

The next plan of action is to do Letrozole with IUI. For those of you who are not familiar, IUI is insemination. This is a process of taking sperm, washing it and then injecting it passed the cervix directly into the uterus. How could this fail? the sperm wont have to go through a war zone (cervix) and will be dropped off right into the uterus. Sounds pretty simple to me!

Ok, so this plan did not work. I am still not sure how I am not pregnant. There are people who have sex once and BAM they are pregnant. I took out the sperm's death march, I took drugs to force ovulation....how am I not pregnant?

I guess we just need to try again.

I don't want to bore you with details, so lets just say two more IUI's with Letrozole and nada! How depressing. At this point I am feeling very much defeated. I have one job as a woman and that is the ability to get pregnant and I can't. Females of all species can have babies and I can't.

Doctor decided that now is a good time to introduce the dreaded injections. I am not a big fan of needles. However, if you have gone through fertility treatments of any kind you are pretty much over that fear. I swear I am at the doctors office for blood work more then I visit the food store, bank, post office any normal daily routines.

Where to begin! 9/10/10

My husband and I were married February 5, 2010 and decided that we would love to start a family right away. Never in our wildest dreams would we have thought it would have been hard. I remember being told numerous times in high school that all it takes is one time. I swear in Sex Ed I was even told that sharing soap with someone in the shower could possibly get you pregnant so I made sure at the age of sixteen I would go on birth control and stay on it until I was sure I wanted kids.  Fast forward 10 years and I was ready. I went off the Nuva Ring in June and was sure by August I would be pregnant. July came around and I got my period really late and I completely skipped August and got my period sometime in September. My cycles were really weird and I was also losing a lot of hair.  By December I knew something wasn't right and was maybe dealing with some sort of thyroid issue. Hair loss and weight gain...two things a woman does not want to have to deal with.

I scheduled an appt with my physician and she thought it would be wise to do a blood panel. When the results came back my thyroid was fine, but my adrenal glands had shown some very high levels of the DHEA hormone and since we were actively trying to get pregnant she told me to seek a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have to admit, I had to go home and google what an RE was. For those of you who still don't know it is a doctor who specializes in your hormones. He will be the one who will figure out why I am not getting pregnant and what in my body is causing it. With my high levels of DHEA there were also high levels of testosterone, cortisol etc. His plan of action was to lower all these levels in the next few months and hopefully we would achieve pregnancy. Well, lets skip to six months later shall we...

June had come around and my husband who is serving in the Coast Guard was up for transfer. This would mean putting our doctor visits on hold and transferring to his new unit in NYC. This was good news for us. If you were looking for the best doctor's in the country where would you want to be, in NYC. Two months later and settled in we found a fertility specialist. We discussed our last doctor's plan with us and quickly realized that our last doctor may have been a little behind the times. This doctor was not thrilled with the treatment he had for us and decided to move quickly. He ordered up blood work and scheduled an HSG. The blood work was to show us if we were ovulating and numerous other things I can't remember off the top of my head and the HSG was to let the doctor know if my tubes were open and clear. This would be a quick in and out procedure at the hospital. They basically lay you down on an xray table and inject a dye into your tubes. The dye will either go through your tubes nice and easy or they will show blockages. luckily, the dye went through, but did show some very small narrowing on one side. This didn't seem to alert the doctor and assured us that this wasn't the issue.

After that test, it was obvious Mike would have to do his part. As the good husband he is, he had no problem dropping a sample off at the clinic to be evaluated. A few days later we found out he is not the problem. With that being said, our next cycle was determined. We were going to be trying the infamous "CLOMID." For those of you who are not familiar, Clomid is a pill you take for 5 days and will stimulate ovulation.  Not only will it stimulate ovulation but it will bring out the evil bitch within you.