It's official....I am going crazy...

If you know me well you know that I am a worrier by nature. Everything gets me nervous and I will dwell on something until I go insane.

I am not sure what is worse right now, the pregnancy symptoms that I am having or the sheer paranoia that something is wrong. I have been told countless times that the constant sickness I am feeling is a positive thing and is proof things are progressing well. BUT, the other part of me is every "twinge," "gas bubble", "dull ache" sensation in my stomach has me running to the bathroom 20 times a day not to pee but to see if something bad is happening. This is exhausting. I am up right now at 2:00am because of little gas bubbles in my belly and extreme hunger pains. I am not hungry! My appetite has been non existent and forcing myself to eat has become the norm. I am so happy to be pregnant, but I can't shake this constant concern that something is going to happen. At this point, this pregnancy is going to be the longest 6 months and 2 weeks of my life!!

Our insurance issue has been a nightmare and after weeks of fighting to try and get the doctors that we want  I have since decided to go back to my old OB who delivered my boys and who did all that he could, but now I am back at the hospital I hate.  I talked with my OB and had to make sure that he is ok working with my high risk doctor and they (or he rather) will be on the same page when it comes to certain things that may have to happen in this pregnancy.  I need to keep positive that what happened is going to be prevented and that we are 100% sure we know what happened last time. But, I still have that fear that 20 weeks is going to come along and I am going to be going through the same thing. I am at the doctors about every other week and I just want confirmation everyday that their little hearts are still flickering along on that screen.

I need to start doing some meditation or some breathing exercises to calm my mind. I lay in bed with scenarios in my head and have to remember to pray to god and breathe. Everything is out of my control. I need to be a safe haven for these babies and keep my head in a good place. I just wish it was easier said than done.