Why??? 1/9/2013

It has been 18 days since my boys passed away.

I was given a paper that titles "The Five Stages of Grief"
1. Denial
2. Anger
3.Bargaining
4.Depression
5.Accpetance

I am not sure I have gone through denial, but I am definitely in the anger stage. My anger stems from a few different areas. I am angry at god, and I am angry at the hospital. I am angry that no one tried to stop my labor. I am angry that they put me in a room and I didn't see another doctor until mine walked in two hours later. I am angry to know my husband overheard my doctor after he got to the hospital arguing with other staff because he wanted to try and they didn't think it would work and then it was too late. I am angry at all the "what if's" What if they did give me a shot to stop the labor when I was 1cm? I wouldn't be mad if they just tried. Even if we got the same outcome, at least they tried!

Why did they just assume nothing would work? I am angry that I have google and I can research day and night and read about other hospitals that gave people a chance and it bought them a few more weeks. A few more weeks to me would have meant a chance at survival. I am angry that people tell me that even if they made it to 24 weeks they might have suffered life long issues. Maybe they would have, but I will never know because they weren't given that chance. How do we know they wouldn't have been medical miracles. Octomom (even though a moron) was still a medical miracle. John and kate plus 8 was a medical miracle. I am not saying my babies would have been a medical miracle and I am not saying the shot would have even worked. I am just saying that when I go to a hospital I expect everything to be done as if it would work! Is that wrong to think? Is that not correct? If you are having a heart attack and you go to the hospital do they not try and save you even if they think it may not work!?

We meet with our doctor on Friday and I want so much to trust him and truly believe that he will not let this happen again. Or at least be there to try. I want to think that the hospital next time will be better because we will demand more and we will know what not to let slide.

We have thought about switching hospitals and doctors. Our only concern is if we were to go to New Jersey or Long Island and the moment something like this happens we will only have time to get to the hospital we were at and we will be right back where we started. I know in time our thoughts will make sense and we will be able to sit down and make better decisions.

I wish there was a switch I could turn off. Stop the thinking and the researching. Let my mind focus on other things.