11 years later and five years since last post!

 Well, it has been a hot minute since I last posted...2018. After I had Mason and Maddox it was hard for me to write. Not only was I super busy as a first-time mom to not only one baby, but twins. My writing has always been for therapy and healing. I didn't know how to write about the happy in my life. 

 To think this blog was created 11 years ago baffles me. Mike and I were somewhat newly married and just beginning the next stage of our lives. I was dealing with so much pain in my heart that the only way I felt I could continue and be successful during that storm was to write. To possibly educate along the way. It did and I still get messages from strangers who are dealing with the same struggles and looking for answers. 

So, where are we now? Chase and Cayden would be turning 11 on December 22nd and Mason and Maddox are turning 10 on December 18th. To think the last post, they were almost five years old and now they will be turning ten in just a few short weeks. Why write today? Why five years later? 

We left Fl in 2019 and headed to NJ. From NJ we went to Houston. Well, just north of Houston in a town called Spring/Klein....either or...I know, confusing. Anyways, we bought our forever home, and we love it! Mike and I decided when we moved here and established ourselves it was time to also establish our church home. We never had one before and to be honest, I don't think we were ever looking. Church for us growing up was more of a box you checked off the list. You attended CCD class as a child, received communion then confirmation and then you were done. Well, at least that is what I thought about it. My parents made sure we went and checked off the boxes, but we never attended church as a family. We may have gone on Christmas eve, but that was probably the extent of church as a family. 

After losing my grandfather, Chase and Cayden a month to the day in 2012; I started to feel something. I experienced something divine minutes before my grandfather passed and my journey with Mason and Maddox was nothing short of a divine intervention in my eyes. It was then I started to really think and ask questions. We were living in Brooklyn, NY at that time and my apartment building had the best neighbors. One of those neighbors invited me to bible study. How could I say no? It was literally across the street and with going through fertility issues it really couldn't hurt to start praying for a miracle. 

Months had gone by and my bible study group heard about all of my appointments and negative tests. They prayed with me weekly and after I lost Chase and Cayden, they picked me back up. With my history of anxiety and depression, I feel I could have went two ways. I could have easily crawled in a hole and not come out, literally; or I was going to get over it and try again. 

So, fast forward almost ten years later we buy our home in TX. I had already mentioned to Mike that I needed Jesus in my life. This time I was serious. To our surprise our next door neighbors introduced themselves and invited us to their church. Not only invited, but our neighbor was the Pastor! We decided to jump right in, and I can't even tell you how different this church experience is compared to growing up. The music...I cry every single time. The message...it is as if each week it is directed right at me. The community...I can't tell you how many times I tell Mike, "They are just so nice here!"

My kids love it! They have their own worship they attend and then Mike and I get to sit uninterrupted in our own service. After the service Mike and I attend a parenting class and get the chance to talk to other parents and I just love how we can share our own parenting advice and learn better ways to raise our children. 

The first time I went to the parenting class I was alone. Mike couldn't attend and I just felt the need to go that day even if my other half wasn't there. That day someone brought up "Testimony." Shared what their testimony was. Here is mine....

November 22, 2012

My grandfather was dying. He was not really talking and in and out of it. He looked to be in a lot of pain, and I do believe they were keeping him "comfortable." Minutes before he passed, he mumbled the words, "babies". My mom and I looked at each other to see if we both heard it. We repeated it back to him and he shook his head. I took it as he wanted to know the babies...or maybe what they were. We didn't even know. We were planning on doing a gender reveal a few weeks later. I had to lie to him and tell him it was a boy and a girl. I didn't know what else to say. After that he relaxed and a few moments later he starts to put his hand together in a prayer form. We all asked him if he was wanting to pray. He shook his head and we prayed. Moments later he passed. I thought about those moments a lot and we all agreed it was as if the angels were on their way and he knew it. He knew to pray before they took him. 

December 22, 2012

20w5d. My body goes into spontaneous labor. The boys are born and live for about an hour. I will never forget the sound of my husband crying as one baby grasps his finger. They were just too small for this earth. I still regret to this day opting for the pain meds. When they offered me the meds, I just wanted to be sedated. I knew my babies were coming and not staying, but I never thought the meds would make me so numb that I would not be able to cry or even worse not be able to hold them in their final moments. Luckily, after they passed, I was able to spend time and hold them, but I still regret the meds. 

For months after we lost Chase and Cayden the doctors said I was the less than 1%. I had two doctors tell me that and who was I to question that. I am not a doctor. However, something was not sitting right with me. Here is where my "Testimony" comes into play. My dad had a best friend who had a client in Brooklyn, NY. That friend sold 4D Ultrasound Machines to doctors. This doctor was one of the only doctors in the world that studies the placenta. Again, my dad's best friend, I just happen to live Brooklyn and live within 30 min of this doctor. Coincidence? 

I get the opportunity to see this doctor for a consultation. A consultation that is $1,000.00. A consultation that my insurance just so happened to accept and not have to pay. Again, how does that even happen? The doctor tells me to bring the boys' placental autopsies. He reviews the report and within a min or less he pinpoints a problem. He says, "The weight of both boy's placenta combined weighed less than what one should be." You should have been on blood thinners you have a blood clot disorder called Thrombophilia. Stunned! I just sat there in shock. This many just told me an answer. He answered it like as if you asked him what to take when you have a headache. It was a no brainer to him. 

My next question is what now? I had an OB and a Maternal Fetal Med doctor telling me I was just unlucky. I had a fertility doctor tell me let's do the same "cocktail" and try to get you one baby. The same doctor who said, "If by chance you get multiples again, we reduce down to one. My goal is to get you a healthy baby. If you don't reduce to one baby the same thing will happen, but instead of 20 weeks you will experience the loss a few weeks later which could be even more heartbreaking." Of course, I ask that doctor what does reducing mean? What week? How does it work? The doctor knowing what we just went through and cremating two babies, answered very cautiously...." It would be around 14 weeks and with a needle to whichever babies' heart is most accessible." I immediately start crying at the thought that this was even something that had to be considered. 

I call up the new doctor and inform him of the fertility doctors' "recommendation". He advised me to do the same cocktail and instead of reducing to one baby I will be in his care at 8 weeks, and we will go from there. 

Cocktail works! My body doesn't work but works very well with drugs. I get twins...again and I get twin boys at that. I was a mess. Instead of jumping for joy all I could think of was Deja Vu. This is happening again. This was the same story. I read this book already. I know the ending. The ending sucked and I don't want to relive it. However, the doctor put me on blood thinners, and we get to 31 w 5 days. 

December 18, 2013

Mason and Maddox are born via Csection. My water broke while on hospital bed rest and we made it just two days shy of 32 weeks. That 32 week mark was crucial. Mason spent 44 days and Maddox spent 66 days in the NICU.

People often talk about their babies first year. I can honestly tell you God gave me the happiest and most loving, calm and silly boys. God gave me the ability to breast feed up to 9 months and enough milk to last a year. I didn't get the easy pregnancy or the experience of holding my children right after birth. That skin to skin and going home together, but God gave me Chase and Cayden back in the form of Mason and Maddox. 

I believe my grandfather knew he was going to have the babies in heaven. Maybe mumbling babies as his last words were his way of reassuring me that he knew. I also get asked if I miss Chase and Cayden and how I don't cry or breakdown. I truly believe that Mason and Maddox were given back to me by Chase and Cayden. 

I also had a moment recently, for the first time in 10 years, I thought about that day the doctor told me I would have had to reduce to one baby. What if I did? Which baby would it have been? I can't imagine how many women are put into that position and don't question it. What if I didn't meet that other doctor? What if I wasn't in Brooklyn, NY at that time. Again, I was put into places for a reason. 

If you made it this far, thank you. 

Fight or Flight? Possibly the scariest moment of my life

Have you ever wondered if you were brave? You think about a scary situation and wonder if you could be that person that sees an accident and runs in to assist. You see someone drowning, would you be brave enough to pull them out and perform cpr? I had a situation last summer that if you were to ever ask me if I was brave enough to conquer it I would have blatantly told you no and grabbed my kids and ran. Here was my situation:

Last summer the boys and I took a trip up to my parents’ house in the Poconos of Pennsylvania. My parents live in a beautiful 3 story house and the basement is what you would call an in-law suite. At the very bottom of the stairs to your right is a small kitchen area that consists of a stove/oven, sink and mini fridge. My parents moved into this house when I was in college, so this was not the house I grew up in. The stove in the in-law suit never worked according to my dad. In fact, when he rented out that space tenants would use a hot plate because the stove “didn’t” work.

The boys and I when we visited would stay in the in-law suit and I loved having our own bathroom, living room and bedroom. It was like staying in our own little house while we visited. Far enough away that the kids wouldn’t be woken up by us adults upstairs laughing and hanging out and far enough away that my family didn’t have to deal with early morning temper tantrums.

It was a week day morning so both my parents were at work. I was upstairs with the boys making breakfast. Maddox was watching a show in the living room off the kitchen and Mason had signaled he wanted a toy downstairs. Without hesitation I told him to go ahead downstairs and get his toy. While finishing up breakfast and probably 2 min or so went by I started to yell for Mason to come upstairs and eat. It wasn’t like him to not come when called so I walked over to the doorway and as I looked down the steps I saw an orange tinge and smoke. I jumped probably 15 stairs and let out a scream I never recognized. When I got to the bottom of the stairs the stove was on fire to my right and Mason was across the room on the couch saying, “Hot”. The basement has very low ceilings and the flame I would say was less than a foot away from the ceiling. The ceiling was made of these panels that resembled a dry wall type of material. Let’s just say probably very flammable.

I looked at the flame and my immediate reaction after seeing that Mason was ok, was that I can’t let my parents’ house burn. I noticed that there was a plastic dish drain on top of the stove and Mason must have turned the burner on and the dish drain caught fire. Across from the kitchen area is a door to the back yard and I knew if I could grab the dish drain and run it over to the door and throw it outside I may have a chance to save the house. Of course in my mind if that didn’t work I would just grab Mason, run upstairs grab Maddox and the dog and get outside to the neighbors to call 911. I grabbed the drain on the one side that wasn’t on fire and lifted it off the stove. Parts of it still on fire fell on the burbury carpet, but I was able to get it out the door. The pieces of the drain that fell on the carpet were still burning, but I was able to wet the towel on the sink and put it out. Now, the stove was still burning, but I was able to use the pot that was on the side table that the previous tenant left on top of his hot plate (I at least unplugged the hot plate when we arrived to my parent’s house, because a plugged in hot plate and two 3 years olds is dangerous, right?) After filling up the pot a few times and throwing it on the stove and carpet the fire was out and the burner was off.

I grabbed Mason ran upstairs, grabbed Maddox and put the dog on the deck. I ran over to the neighbor’s house trembling and asked if he would come over to make sure everything was fine. Everything was fine, but I was a mess. Mason wouldn’t even go downstairs the rest of the trip and all I kept doing was running different scenarios through my head. What if I didn’t go down there at that moment? What if Mason was trapped down there and I couldn’t get to him? What if my parent’s house burned down? I still have moments where I go back to that moment and think of how lucky I was to go down at that exact time to be able to conquer the flames.

The whole point of this post is, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have attempted to put out a fire. I know some of you are thinking, “Why would she stay and try to put it out? Get your kids and get out!” I agree, I would tell someone the same thing. However, I still can’t believe my instinct was to try and put it out. Maybe in my head I thought my parents were going to kill me if something were to happen to their home. Honestly, I must have had a mommy instinct that I could put it out, because I would never put my family in a situation where we would have died.  We are all much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. If there is ever a moment in your mind that you think you are not strong, you are amazingly strong.

Feel free to share your stories. I like knowing that I am not the only crazy person J.

Please for the love of all things holy....use the damn potty :)

April 17, 2018

Ok, I am going to be very honest here. You know that point in toddler hood where your child is supposed to use this thing called the potty? Well, my child has completely missed that memo.

Thank goodness I have one twin that is potty trained because if I just had Mason I would feel like I have failed as a parent. Are you ready for it?  MASON IS STILL IN DIAPERS! He is FOUR years old! I know kids who are just turning two that are going to the bathroom on the potty. I am starting to get that anxiety of going out in public and people finding out.

 If your a parent you know that feeling; everyone is standing around watching their kids run around and then one person brings it up and you have one mom who is like, "Oh ya, my perfect little Jimmy Joe was peeing on the potty at 9 months, wiping himself and then strapping his own diaper on." Then you have the next mom who has to one up the first mom. I am not a bragger, in fact, I want to be the mom that just lays all the bad crap out on the table. I want to meet a mom at the play ground that sees my kid in a diaper and then says, "Oh your kid too?  Refuses the potty? Ya, I have one just like him."

 I need to know there are other moms out there. Please!! Please let me know I am not the only parent whose child refuses to go on the potty. I wish I could say he has gone a few times, but I would be lying. He has gone pee pee on the potty once.

I joke and say that my child is going to go to the prom in a diaper and we all laugh, but honestly, I am covering up a fear that is starting to really fester deep down. I am reading articles from professionals who advise not to push. They mention that you don't see adults wearing diapers or soiling in the streets so just give him time. Well, how much time does this kid need? The kid can pretty much make himself his own lunch and I feel like every time I ask him to go to the bathroom his is flicking me off in his head.

They say not to nag and there is no way to force him so I just let him be and pray that I wake up to the glorious sounds of my child's stream hitting the little plastic spinner in our baby urinal that is suctioned to the glass shower :).

So, I want to ask all my mommy and daddy friends. Please tell me something that you have faced raising your kids to make me feel better....Please :)

Stay tuned!

Long overdue update!

Hello! It has been a couple years since my last post and lets just say the boys are 4 years old, in PreK and crazy as ever. Since moving to Florida back in 2015 we have been living the life. We take a lot of trips to Disney World, Busch Gardens and love watching all the wild life in our back yard.

At around 22 months my husband noticed the boys were not talking as well as they should have been. I, honestly, thought he was over reacting and was told that boys talk later than girls. Luckily, we found a state program that evaluated the boys and indeed they were developmentally delayed and was told they could start school full time as soon as they turned 3 years old. I was so excited for them, but sad that my time at home with them was ending. Actually, I take that back. I was ready for them to start. I wasn't really sad. I think I was sad at the idea, but we were all ready for something new. I hate to admit that I was ready for them to go to school, but the truth is I knew they were getting bored.  Also, anyone with small children know how hard it is to go run errands when you have little ones let alone two of them the same age. It was almost impossible to do anything during the day alone with them.

The boys started school and I was ready to take on the world. I had my new routine in place. Get up, get the kids dressed, fed, dropped off at school and go to the gym. The gym was over around 10 am, I would drive home, shower, straighten up the house and was able to relax for a couple hours before the boys were to be picked up. I loved it...for about 6 months. I had so many people tell me to enjoy this time, relax etc...but, i was feeling guilty. My husband was working and in my head I was goofing off. We are a one income military family and let me tell you, it is not easy living on one income.

So, I decided after a year to myself that I needed a new routine. I noticed that my brain was going to mush. My vocabulary was dwindling and as good as it was going to the gym and getting in shape I needed my brain to get in shape too. To me, I needed something more than just cleaning my house and running errands.

I started volunteering at the boys school as an aide and really enjoyed it. The first day I came home and couldn't get the smile off my face. I felt I had a purpose. I was doing good in the world, making a difference. After a few days, I was asked if I was interested in a full time position in the guidance department and was pretty much hired right away. I LOVE IT! I finally have a job that I look forward to and can have lunch with my boys. I am not going to lie having the summers off and all the fancy holidays is a great perk as well! 

We have one year left here in Florida and I am not ready to go. I have great friends a great job and we are finally where we need to be. Stay tuned!

When you can't make the choice...

Hi everyone!

It has been a very long time since I have blogged and I have missed it terribly. I have been pondering lately on what I should write about and it finally hit me the other day.  I am at the point with the boys where if I didn't struggle with fertility treatments we would probably be getting ready to have another child.
As I was standing in the kitchen the other night I watched the boys wrestle and I could not believe how big they are getting. It hit me that we are no longer in the baby stage. We are talking, getting ready to potty train, drinking from big boy cups, carrying our plates to the table, learning to walk without the stroller and so forth.  We are growing up! I always wonder what it would be like to have a little girl or what my boys would be like as big brothers.

Living in a new area people are not aware of our past fertility struggles and I often get asked if we will be trying for more.  I usually don't bring up our past and continue with, "possibly, God willing," or something along those lines. When in reality Mike and I have never prevented after we got married. We have never conceived on our own without intense treatments. I can't guarantee we won't get multiples (my body will not be able to handle multiples again) and IVF is just way too expensive. So, with that being said, unless God has different plans for us it will be just the four of us.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my little family. I just wanted to be the one to make that choice.  In a perfect world, the boys would be turning 3 and I would have thought that would have been a perfect age to start trying for another.  Instead, I will continue to pray about it and who knows maybe something in my body will click and it happens and if you know my story from the last 5 years, if that were to happen we better find an amazing Doctor who understands my diagnosis with Thrombophilia.

Thank you for reading!!

Shannon

We are in Florida!

Good morning! I just wanted to update everyone on the boys. We are 16 months old, we babble nonstop, we eat EVERYTHING, we LOVE the beach, we dance every time we hear music and we are quite the travelers.

We have been in Florida for three weeks now and will finally be moving into our house on Saturday. I have to say the boys have adapted the Florida lifestyle pretty well. I wasn't quite sure how they would like the sand and water, but they are like little fish. When we get to the beach they can barely contain themselves and when loose they are all over the beach. They run right into the water and begin splashing, chasing se
agulls and building sand castles.

Last night I sat down and got lost in my blog. It took me 45 min to read from the beginning up until now. I still can't believe we went through so much. I feel like it was another lifetime ago. I don't even feel like it was my life. When I read about Chase and Cayden I get sad, but I can't help but think about the two I have now. At the time the world was ending. I was never going to have children, I was never going to have my twins. The only way I make sense of everything is God gave me back Chase and Cayden in the form of Mason and Maddox. I am sure many of you will think I am a nut and probably think it is a rediculous thought, but I really feel it is true.

Here are my boys!

It's been two years since Chase and Cayden.

Wow, my last blog was in March! I apologize for not writing more often. I have been a little busy ;). Mason and Maddox are now 1 years old and does time fly. I still can't believe what we have today. I was reading my blog and it seems like another lifetime ago we went through fertility treatments, Chase and Cayden and the rough pregnancy we had with Mason and Maddox. The last few days I have been on high emotion. This is a hard time for us. As exciting as it is with the boys, I still always have my other little boys in mind.

To think two years ago on the 22nd I was almost six months along with Chase and Cayden. Finally! we had babies and two coming into this world. The shots in the stomach, constant monitoring and endless pregnancy tests later we had babies! Never in a million years would I have thought something bad would happen. In my mind we went through the rough patch. Going through the heartache of infertility was painful enough and how would God put us through anymore. We were home free. Then, it happened. I woke up to the most God awful back pain I could have ever imagined. Little did I know in less than 5 hours time my little boys would be born and pass away in the same hour.  Our family of four existed for 20 min. They were perfect. Ten fingers and toes. They were babies...very small babies. I was so angry! To get halfway and then it was taken away. How could there be a God who was that mean?

I remember going to a few follow up visits with our fertility specialist, our OB and our High Risk doctor. All saying the same thing. You are the 1%. We don't know why these things happen. Even going as far as telling me my body was not made to carry two babies and I could prob never carry two babies. I was told to take a year or so off. Collect my thoughts and come back when I was mentally ready. I never once thought of taking time off. I didn't even want to wait another month to try again. I new in my heart I was going to have babies. I didn't think I would ever have twins, but I was going to have a child. My fertility doctor even told me if we do the treatments again and get twins or more that we should reduce. So, not only am I risking it all over again, but now you want me to have to choose a baby to terminate. But, I knew in my heart, we would be fine and God pushed us in the direction of a very special doctor who told us that twins would not be a problem if we were to conceive again and he would monitor us very closely. He had the solution to our problem.

Fast forward a month of treatments and a very low dose of treatments it was. Our fertility doctor tried his best to not bombard my body with multiple eggs. We were going to get one good one. That was the goal. However, I must have been chosen for twins, because twins is what we got...again, and twin boys at that.

I guess the whole point to my rambling is to never give up. I was told by many to take time off...go on vacation...collect yourself....give it a year. I am so glad I didn't because these two little boys Mason and Maddox would not be here. I may not have had the opportunity to see my special doctor and we may have even suffer another horrible loss if we were not here in NYC. I have four precious little boys. Two that would have been two years old on Monday and two that just turned 1 last Thursday. I do believe Chase and Cayden's souls are in Mason and Maddox. I believe that because I don't hurt as much as I thought I would. Of course I miss them and always think of them, but I am at peace and so blessed to have all four boys in my heart.

Thank you Chase and Cayden for making me the person I am today. Thank you for giving me Mason and Maddox. I love you all so much! Godspeed my little men.

Mommy <3